10 Downin Street London SW1 2RAC
Dear Mr or is it 'Comrade' Alderson
It has come to the Prime Minister's attention that Middletin CC 5ths, sometimes known as 'The Pinko Shrimpers' has developed a Left Wing bias to its fixtures with the inclusion of Bulleaton Labour Club. I am writing to you as Protagonist-in Chief , filmed as you were by Sky TV presenting Dave, I mean Ed, Milliband with a bottle of appropriately poor quality champagne in your attempts to gerrymander your council into granting you planning permission for your new pavilion.
Mr Cameron is considering the cancellation of your East Malling fixture because of your team's past infiltration of The East Malling Research Centre. We hold your player Mr Steve Clarkson, no relation thankfully to David's mate Jeremy who would never make such an ass of himself, entirely responsible for the strawberry virus
spreading through the raspberry crop. MI5 have him on video holding a cane and gobbing cherry stones towards the raspberries, to the accompanying sound of his wife ' Red Debs' shouting 'Go on Steve, Higher! Higher!' Your club is very fortunate indeed to prevent publication of the incident under the headline 'DEB's DELIGHT AT CHERRY LOST BY RASPBERRY BLOWER'S MAULING'
Despite our attempts to influence your team to pursue excellence, etiquette and decorum by cajoling clubs in Tonbridge and Tunbridge Wells to include you in their fixture lists I note that your captain Brendan Copps refuses to wear the Gravesend CC Designer Wear kit, choosing instead to wear that provocative red rag of a bull cap of his. Since appointing Mr Copps to further club office you can tell your Chairman Mr Pat Harlow that he has as much chance of carrying the Olympic Torch through Gravesend as there is of hearing something pleasant said by Sid from the Bowls Club.
I have read your so called book 'French and Spanish Cricket for Beginners' (Downloadable from Amazon.co.uk) and I am appalled at your antipathy towards the Bank Teams, in particular HSBC. To accuse their management of cheating is a slap in the face to those institutions that have done so much in the recent past for our country and does no credit to you, and you can inform Mr Verinder Bhoombla that as with all banks HSBC will continue to give no credit to you.
The Cabinet in its next COBRA meeting intends to impose an 'Exclusion Area' on your team preventing you from further polluting the fertile fields of Kent, the County known as 'The Garden of England'. You will be restricted to Clubs in the Gravesham area though there is no need to play Gravesham Cricket Club as it is already Really Really well manured.
The Health Secretary Andrew Lansley has asked me to report your player Ben Williams to the ECB for taking a series photographs of you slip fielders dropping catch after catch and then attaching them on the door of Gravesend Conservative Club with the logo underneath 'The NHS is equally safe in our hands'. Because of this we will be instructing the doctor and the dentist who play for you to withdraw from your team. This will particularly affect occasional 5th team players Mr Steve Dutton who pulls at least 2 muscles per game and Mr Ian Obie who spits teeth every time he has an lbw decision turned down.
The Home Secretary, Theresa May, who is under enough pressure at the moment, has asked me to complain on her behalf about receiving long, rambling and tedious e-mails from a Mr Bob James. Mr James has been continually complaining that his performance has been hampered by the fact that he has to use a second hand bat with holed gloves and has developed a twitch from having to adjust his trousers to secure his box and thigh pad even as the bowler runs in. Mr James has explained that he is unable to replace the faulty items as he is prevented from shopping at 'Wickets', the 'All Year Round Cricket Suppliers in Pelham Rd South to take advantage of his 10% reduction as it only opens on Saturday afternoons when he is playing and on Wednesdays from 10am to 2pm when he is still selecting his side.
On a positive note the Prime Minister is pleased to see that cricket fixtures will continue during the Olympic Games. Be assured that there should be no problem as far as selection is concerned as I have yet to meet anyone outside of Parliament who has got any tickets. May I reiterate what Seb Coe has said that this is entirely due to the unprecedented demand for tickets and is not because of the 10,000 FBI agents and the 2000 soldiers manning the surface to air missiles required to protect the American Team and certainly not because of the seats allocated to minor Royals, Investment Bankers and corrupt officials of the various sporting bodies and all other Old Etonians who are not part of the above.
Finally No. 10 has noted the presence of Mr Matthew Walker at your AGM and would take this opportunity to warn him as he considers his future years not to become a member of the 5ths. To Be or not to Be may be his question but this should be superceded by the Question MBE or not MBE. No doubt Mr Walker will be looking to follow other cricketers such as Phil Tufnell, Darren Gough and Mark Ramprakash to appear on Celebrity or Reality Television. I would point him in the direction of The soon to be on air 'Boris Island, Get me out of here.' With its flight path just a couple of hundred feet above the Bat & Ball I would suggest that any further monies from the ECB should be spent on Ear Muffs, Calm Down Dear shatter proof tea cups and . It's an ill wind-At least the number of ducks per game will rise to the level achieved by the 5ths.
You have been warned
Yours truly
Rupert Merde d'Oc
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