Skeletons in the Cupboard

It was on my son's school's cricket tour to Cork City. We were due to play 3 games against Cork City's Presentation College, Cork CCC and Munster CC respectively. The weather was reasonably kind and only one of the matches was abandoned to rain. None of the opposition sides missed out as it was the same 11 youngters who turned out on all three occasions.

In the first game our side was batting and I was umpiring. My son pushed one to leg and they took a quick single. The other umpire signalled and shouted ‘One short’ and the total went down by one, even though it hadn’t gone up by one in the first place. One of the opposition kids came up to me and with a smile on his face he said ‘Only in Ireland!’ ‘Don’t worry;' I said 'we’ll get it in singles.’

I hope I’m known as a fair umpire and give it as I see it but I was almost tempted by the most melodic and appealing of Irish accents ‘Now how will that be then?’ with my son plumb in front. ‘There’s no English blood in my veins either’ I explained to him, at the end of the over, with the boy's grandparents coming from 20 miles down the road. Even though they are both dead like WG Grace who has played on The Mardyke at Cork CC they would have come to see him bat not me umpire. Well I said I was Irish didn’t I?

One of our tour visits was to Cork City Gaol. It wasn't exactly the place for a barrel of laughs but that was what was heard from each group as they rolled out of a particular cell on the first floor. Not funny for me or my son. As I entered I saw my uncle and his great uncle Cornelius Kelleher(pictured) looking like a corpse serving out his sentence of indefinite duration for being constantly drunk and disorderly.

As parents do, I took the opportunity both to remind my son of the perils of the demon drink but also to reassure him that the DNA in his genes was not entirely sourced from his Great Uncle Cornelius, now twice removed.

At a previous Gravesend Cricket Club AGM the 3rd team captain praised the boy for his bowling abilities. 'It's nice to see that Mike has passed on his cricketing genes' he said. As I was beginning to glow, not just with the effect of the couple of pints I had sunk, he followed up with 'It is a pity that he didn't keep any for himself.'

The boy now a man scored 110 at the Bat & Ball on Saturday. I couldn't have been more proud. I had however to shake him by the hand without looking him in the eye as I couldn't co-ordinate my movements, not just with the effect of the couple of pints I had sunk but because of the lingering pain in my neck caused in my successful attempt to take a catch in the deep at Telston and Mereworth Cricket Club earlier that afternoon, confirming skeletal remains of this particular cricketing gene.

We lost the match with a mid order collapse , but T & M adjusted their bowling attack to make a game of it which to me is why I so much enjoy non league cricket. The tea they provided was fantastic and we thanked them for allowing the ladies to join in the feast after returning from their jaunts around some nearby South East Open Studios. Telston and Mereworth CC and their Fix Sec, Chris Keeler have a reputation for producing a fixture card that contains much that will amuse and this year's is no exception with its hilarious advertisements.

They also have The AA's (drinking sort) phone number on the back which could prove to be personally very useful if Uncle Cornelius twice removed passed on more of his DNA than I initially thought.

Not just a 'Fenton!' Deja vu

Like all good deja vues, I've been there before. It's an hour to go before I make another despairing attempt to get hold of some worthwhile affordable Olympic tickets.

It's an hour to go before (well it is about deja vu) we are told that rain has delayed the start of the 'second' which hopefully will be the first day at Edgbaston. The gusting wind has blown over the sweat peas and the slugs have finished off most of the runner beans and half of the cucumbers while I was distancing myself from the Jubilee in the Brecon Beacons.

I'll admit last weekend was a significant one. I dropped a catch in the deep off the captain's bowling against Locksbotton Sat 2nds. As that was the only cricketing skill that I thought I had retained, it was a moment to contemplate retirement from the activity of the game itself.

The forgiving captain ( or was it a vengeful one? ) suggested I bowl with four overs to go with them approaching 200.

I took a wicket, bowled off his pads, first ball and only went for 8 runs in the two overs so I decided to make myself available for selection for our next game against Telston and Mereworth, and duly selected myself. I hope the Cherry Tree in their car park doesn't get blown down today as the sale of their cherries usually pays for our match fees.

The game at Locksbottom was enjoyable. They are a pleasant lot. Okay they beat us easily enough but we made a reasonable effort with the bat in reply, with one of our U16 Colts who we included because he has had a shaky start to the season, playing really well which gave me ten times more satisfaction than my first baller.

As I write this, my poor lady wife is sitting in the A & E at Darent Valley Hospital waiting for them to confirm whether or not she broke her rib on the trek to Table Mountain on Monday Bank Holiday (or was it Tuesday Bank Holiday?) We only live 10 minutes away, she's got my digital radio that she bought for me to listen to the cricket and she has a hands free device for her mobile in case they plaster her up from head to toe.

She didn't go to the Neville Hall Hospital in Abergavenny where they saved her life 33 years ago after being knocked down by a car on Llangynidr Bridge as she expressed the commonly shared belief of 'What can they do about a broken rib? You just get on with it.' I hope she is able to tune to Radio 4, otherwise her ribs will be giving her jip as they are tickled listening to Phil Tufnell's jokes on TMS.

The circumstances of the injury causing fall she experienced mirrored what can be seen on the 'Fenton!' Utube feature, except our dog is a Bichon Frise, the deer were sheep and Brecon Beacons is Richmond Park. It wasn't a field but there were sheep dotted around and the dog should have been on the lead. As we went around a dry stone wall corner we came face to face with 3 sheep. They took fright and bolted. Not deliberately wishing to mix up the species Fenton, sorry Tess, didn't give a monkeys for our calls and hared off.

lizzie, fearing for the lives of the sheep and for Tess in case of any trigger happy shepherds being present repairing their dry stone walls, made a grab slipped and fell landing on our new Nikon Coolpix camera recently bought from Tesco Direct with Clubcard points still in its ill fitting pink case that we couldn't be assed to return.The ill fitting case saved the camera but not Lizzie's rib which Darent Valley confirmed to be cracked after a two hour wait and without the need for an X-Ray.

It's an ill fitting wind. We don't need to worry Tescos about the wrong case as it's damaged, and we don't have to think any more as regards what to get as a present for our son's birthday as The Tackle Shop is just down the road from the hospital and we knew he needed a new set of scales. The treatment? Same as we prescribed, except you need tablets for better pain relief. This helps you breathe properly thus lessening the chance of infection.

I don't believe in private medicine either but the least you could do in return for the passing on of this helpful information is to click on the adverts to earn us a few bob just in case the Government does take away our right to free subscriptions. My eventual dive to catch Tess had a similar outcome to the one at Locksbottom CC the Saturday before. I took heart from that occasion, tried a different approach and trapped her lbw. (Leg before wall).

There being 'no prospect of any play at Edgbaston today' turned out to be true.

There being 'no prospect of me getting any affordable Olympic Athletic tickets' turned out to be true.

A great shame as I've been saving my last two year's lots of Heating Allowance for this.

Only Joking. But not about Seb and the LOWLIFE Shambolic Committee continuing to con the Great Ticketless British Public.