No response from The Cricket Web yet. Cat got their tongue? I certainly don’t have their ear, but it’s not Felix that has got the ashes, it’s us. Maybe Andrew is continuing to sip their glut of Chardonnay that they can’t rely on us drinking for them any more. At the Lord’s Ashes Test Match they were giving away the stuff at Lunch time which is most unusual as you don’t get many freebies at HQ, discounting newspapers aside. 117-3. Ntini is not the bowler. He’s been retired apparently. Political commentary seemed notable by its absence though I could have missed them if indeed there were any as I’d flicked between TMS and TV. They did eventually say that not having had a Lordship bestowed upon him, Ntini’s only option was to get signed up for Middlesex to play at Lord’s. A missed trick for the powers that be. I think they are allowed to give Honours to overseas people, or is that only if they pay? Tony should know. With South Africa dithering the Queen could have got One to have got one over them. What a Brian Johnston Champagne moment it would have been. Having not honoured one of your own heroes with inclusion in the team one has to act to mark the status of the man. Not that I keep a grudge as you Web wise Aussies know but here’s another blow for your sparkling wine industry. I’ve made an offer that middle order champagne producers will not be able to refuse. What I said was: - Bonjour. Just a suggestion from the author of 'French and Spanish Cricket'. Talk to somebody high up in English Cricket (Not me). There is such a thing as 'The Brian Johnston Champagne Moment', dedicated to the late cricket commentator extraordinaire. What a wonderful gesture it would be for Franco-British relations, not to mention your profits for you to name one of your champagnes 'Brian Johnston' . Best wishes et a bientot.
Meanwhile the South African batsmen without Snicko and Hot Spot continue to enjoy their benefit match. The Ntini affair was obviously playing on Smith’s mind as he rushed into open the South African innings. Swanny decided to give him a break in the slips as Collingwood was redislocated elsewhere in the field. I hear that England tried to overcome the lack of cutting edge technology by taking advantage of Obama’s friendly overtures to Putin. In Cardiff the Ruskies had used the diplomatic bag carried by the Aussie’s sledging coach as a drop. While Pontin was remonstrating with the England physiotherapist Monty removed the microfilm of Onishchenko’s circuit diagrams that he’d put to effect in the 1976 Olympics from the bag. Offensive fencing outside the off stump wasn’t an offence in those days. According to the secret papers released in the Thirty Seconds rule they tried to wire up the pre-oiled South African bats to resinate if the ball passed within two to three centimetres, thus triggering Snicko and causing a pulse of thermal energy of high enough intensity to conning the heat seeking sensors of Hot Spot into thinking they’d detected a hit. It turns out that the microfilm the Russians passed on contained a clip of the Press sisters breaking in to the Male athlete’s changing rooms so they could go for a piss without being noticed, thus proving the Australian sledging coach had been in contact with the Russians for a good few years and who’d been the one to nick England’s bowling plans. Using a souvenir Dennis Lillee aluminium bat as an aerial their scam only failed as Ntini who had gone into the dressing room the day before the Test Match to pick up his things noticed that his bat was the only one that had not been placed in the newly installed thermo controlled bat stand. It is believed that he was despatched before he could blow the whistle because of the danger of affecting Russian-South African relations, but it was really because he was miffed at not having his bat plugged in to the bat stand even though it had been set up before he had been dropped.
Coming to England’s rescue was Michael Atherton, already implicated as being the Russian agent’s handler in the absence of Thierry Henry whose alibi was that he was otherwise engaged talking to Tiger Woods’ PR people about the possibility of reviving the Gillette Cup. 131-5. Swanny despite the drop is going for a hat-trick of man of the matches. Michae ‘Penguin’Atherton’s revival of the plan is given clear water credence because of his love of old war films. The idea of dust-in-the-pocketgate came from The Great Escape in which the POWs released the tunnel waste via their trouser pockets to their turn ups. Or was that just for the book? He suggested to the England team to watch The Longest Day. To differentiate between friend and foe the allies were issued with a clicker and so long as you had not landed in a swamp full of surviving croaking frogs you could shoot the respondent if they sounded off. Who’s got the clicker? Not Straussy that’s for sure. What’s that on Collingwood’s finger? No need for hands in pockets. Who’s wearing knee pads? 13 off Swann’s over. 50 to Kallis. We’re not clicking are we?
We are now. As I return to the radio which I inadvertently turned off while watching Alex Ferguson check that there was at least five minutes added time I hear the name Steyn. 233-6. Is he night watchman for Morkel? Bye Sir Alex, as the ITV lot said you wouldn’t be happy if you had fifteen minutes of non scoring added time. Last ITV interview is it? Hello inscrutable Kallis on 87: he’s the difference. We’d be watching England bat by now if it wasn’t for him. Botham tells us that it is century number 33 in Tests. Eight overs to go; should be perfect for the West Ham – Arsenal game. Then the darts. A sort of Ashes. The Brett Lee look-alike with ponytail and beard against Phil the Power. Goughie was there last night. Let’s hope if the BBC get the Ashes back there won’t be uninspiring coverage as with their darts. Does PD James like cricket? Onions offers them the light by bowling a bouncer. No tears are shed. Tomorrow is another day.
Today certainly is. That’shallot Kallis. Onions obviously was letting the umpire know that he needed his bed, and would have more of a spring in his step in the morning to run rings around the Batsmen. Three wickets in next to no time, though it was Anderson who really had them taped. Back to reality as Straussy is walzed out without moving his feet outside the off stump, though his new Partner, Trott soon breaks into a canter taking it to 30-1, though strictly speaking Cook is keeping in step. Radio 4 Long Wave listeners missed Trott playing on and Pietersen going for a duck. Radio 4 listeners with Sky TV listened to Headteacher David the Power Gower admonishing the three recently departed batsmen dismissing them to contemplate their schoolboy error dismissals. In similar vein Radio 4 Long wave listeners turned to page 42 in their missals to pray for the souls of the recently departed. I watch Collingwood on Sky crack one through the covers 5 seconds after Geoffrey Boycott oohed and aahed about it on radio 4 Long Wave. Yes it needs saying. I did teach for 35 years to earn the right to enjoy the cricket. So you Radio Five Live ranters slag off somebody else, preferably yourselves, lest ye forget we are still in the season to be jolly with my three wise men Gower, Athers and Hussain just past the lounge door en route to the stable to the right of the widescreen TV, as you look at the cricket. If you are wondering, Botham’s just returning from Cana where he’s drunk the place dry, a situation as with the dismal three from which they did not learn.
The pundits have got their way. They’ve all wanted Bell to come in at 73-4 to prove his worth, well here he comes. Atherton says the same thing, as it’s only de Kock on the radio. I return to the telly from the garden where as a hunter gatherer I cut and chopped wood for the stove. I’d continued to listen to the cricket but I got the urge to watch the action despite the soothing sounds of the robin providing free to air background in harmony with Geoffrey from their respective territories. Prior has survived the initial deluge, Bell has taken a couple in the balls. All for the Cause. Bell nea…. That’s as close as he got to his 50. A Kallis long hop keeps the jury out. I hope we are not 73-4 again in the second innings just to deliver a swift verdict.
Duminy comes on. Sky shows members of the jury how Duminy got Prior out last time. There was another Brett Lee - Andrew Flintoff Sporting moment of the year last night. It did involve a Brett Lee look-alike, but not a Freddie double. The double was a bull preceded by two treble twenties. That’s a 170 check out. Unlike so many other sports the achievement was immediately acknowledged for its uniqueness by the opponent. The opponent this time was the bearded Binger applauded by the commentators for reciprocating Freddie’s actions in an equal if opposite way. Will it get the same media attention? I doubt it. Taylor had become World Champion with another high checkout for the 15th time and I didn’t see his name in the Honour’s list, nor did he make the BBC Sports Personality of The Year Award. In fairness he’s no Zara Phillips but then again Georgie Best was no Princess Anne. It will go down in the annals of history as seen by on TV by Sid Waddell. You’ve heard of sledging he said, referring to the original Binger and the boys not occasional on field sayings. This, he said, was more like a sharing a Toboggan. I would go further to suggest that for an Aussie to engage in such behaviour must be as unusual as a Jamaican Bob Sleigh team successfully negotiating the Canadian equivalent of the 10 banked bends of the Cresta Run. 226-7. Steyn again. 65 behind. New Ball approaching. Taken. Later than Botham imagined. Prior gets his 50. We trail by the same amount.
And what do we learn this morning boys about your batting technique? Well I’d say it doesn’t end after you’ve made the shot. Clearly first and foremost be aware. ‘Where’s your foot? Don’t be stumped or run out on a reaction bit of fielding ‘Is there a run?’ Don’t get run out and look to your calling and bear in mind you’ve got a partner down the other end who may run you out or get run out. Nothing new there Coach. ‘But what we add to the list of reminders from batting this morning is don’t walk away showing your disgust at an appeal, as the umpire will reward your apparent honesty with a finger. Furthermore when you are plumb out, shaking your head just makes you look a twat in Botham’s eyes. Lunch time. I look out the window. Time to share my toboggan. “Most of us would say that to hurtle voluntarily through 10 banked bends at a speed of up to 60mph, while lying head-first on a heavy steel toboggan with your nose three inches off the ice, is tantamount to complete insanity.” Okay, point taken. Back to practising slagging off the Aussies.
