United We Fall to Dividers and Rulers not to mention Setsquares

See Boris. What did I tell you. You demonise people and they'll turn into demons. Mission accomplished on your part perhaps. Enough already. This is not a political blog. To prove it read this. Go down to B&Q during what remains of daylight and buy at least 150 litres of peat free organic compost for less than 5p a litre, provided you've got your Diamond Geezer over 60s card. Then turn over a new leaf by sowing some lettuce seeds in a pot on a window sill.

Be that as it may, or would have been I intend to ANNOUNCE something like what politicians do do! The Cricket Society set out to rededicate the grave of Ivo Bligh, Lord Darnley of Ashes fame, that lay deteriorating for many years in Cobham Churchyard, Kent. This they achieved in a way empathetic to Cricket, Lord Darnley's family and to Cobham. His grave was one of our resting places when I join My good lady wife and her pal occasionally for their countryside walks.

Well there is another, not cricket connected as far as I know, which lies not a million miles away. As yet I'm not prepared to name names as I'm not sure how to go about it and as The Cricket Society knows these things need careful and sensitive handling so as not to upset those that matter i.e. the family. I'm not averse to giving clues but don't expect them to be of Masquerade proportions. Back to cricket. It's 5th team nets tonight. My knee is a litte sore and I may not bowl as I don't want to 'herald a hamstrung' performance.

I met a fellow club cricketer whose team we are due to play in September in the diamond geezer queue at B&Q. He's recently had an operation on his knees, so may not be in the actual team. I hope he recovers in time to play. I gave him a blog card to spread the word. Well I've been advertising B&Q so why shouldn't I advertise French and Spanish Cricket for Beginners on Amazon.co.uk. I have my standards. I'm not naming a name of an England Cricketer who tweets that he's more of a laugher at people than with people. I simply referred him to the Confucius saying in the last post but one.

When the queue for the Olympic Tickets from the proposed booths reaches my house in Gravesend, come in for a cup of tea. Have a look at the wildlife in the garden like the grey squirrel in the photo or the fox in the last post's picture, though I can't promise you a golden hare. If you want to see sludge worms and rat-tailed maggots you will need to go to the LOWLIFE web site.

Tweety Pies Beware-There's a Fox about.

Though I have never considered myself to be a bowler of pies the increasing diameter of my fast recovering stomach shows me to be serial eater of pies. Beef and Ale and the aforeposted pastie are favourites. Olympic Boris has taken time off from demonising the transport unions to offer me some more London Prepares tickets. Synchronised Swimming, Hockey, Water Polo, Wheelchair Tennis and Paralympic Athletics go on sale on The Ides of March. Be aware!

I might be tempted to go to see the SS as the lovely lady wife is running out of that make up they use. You know the stuff with which you smile at the least funny of jokes. I am now a serial receiver of Crickety Tweets. As there must be 6 other Mike Kelleher Twits a-tweeting I am known as MikeKelleher7@. Serious ones are talking about the England Selection for Sri Lanka.

Twits like me are reproducing the Confucius saying that I was particularly proud of from the last post. Other gems can be found by downloading French and Spanish Cricket for Beginners from Amazon.co.uk. While I'm in advertising mode, our Gravesend CC Shrimpers Team are looking for away games for Sats 19th May, 28th July and Sept 1st. We supply a ball and like my tea according to my boys the team is described as weak to medium.

Humble Pastie Innocent of all Charges

Let's clear two things up, now that my 'winter sickness' has cleared up. Firstly it wasn't the pastie. You know when you phone your friends and say 'sorry I haven't been in touch since seeing you on the weekend as I 've been ill' and they say 'Funny, so have we'. No? Well we do know as that's what happened to us after our weekend at an hotel in Bath. Like the responsible person I am I have let the hotel know. No I'm not saying I'm responsible for spreading the virus. I think I was more of a picker up, though not in the lounge lizard sense.

Secondly which may be down to you is whether it is 'pastie' or 'pasty'. I think it is the former as we used to hold a former, perhaps late, Cornwall rugby player by the name of 'Pastie Harris' in high regard. It wouldn't have been 'Pasty' (rhyming with tasty) as that was the nickname of the kid in our class at school who shall we say had a very fair complexion. Beware before you pontificate, as at the time in Cornwall when most of us were Cornish we used to call turnips 'swedes' and cauliflower 'broccoli'. More Cornish pastimes including exploding seagulls and how to differentiate between emmets and grockle can be found in French and Spanish Cricket for Beginnersdownloadable from Amazon.co.uk.

As you can tell, besides the fact that I don't know how to get rid of italics, from the photographic record of our visit to the 18th Fina Visa Diving World Cup at the Aquatics Centre in the Olympic Park Boris wasn't there at the time. If he had been he may have caused a bigger splash than he did at the Velodrome. The lower photograph reflects the boredom that enveloped the Aquatic Centre after the first 50 or so dives. The Olympic hierarchy had obviously picked up on the vibes, or in this case ripples emanating from the spectators. Brits-Like they must have persuaded their Director of Operations to herd the divers together to jump from the various heights at the same time to regain the public's interest.

To regain the public's confidence, Seb and the Gang of Five Rings have had a window of opportunity for selling more tickets to the said public jemmied open for them. Will I be a candidate? I did enter the first ballot; I think I watched their website crash for the second. I can't remember at what particular stage I became despondent and gave up. Give Boris his due, London Prepares went and continues to go a little way down Restitution Road. Don't get carried away though Boris, I still don't want your Island offshore my back yard.

Finally to the significance of the top photograph. No it does not depict just one of the World'd best women divers, to be confirmed today. It is a photograph of an athlete, not yet winning but taking part, who is acknowledging the appreciation of the crowd and probably the crowd itself as fellow human beings with a humble bow. All the Asian contestants did the same. No others gave any sort of acknowedgement except for the two Brits who each gave a smile in response to the loud cheers. Coaches may say that the competetive bubble in which the athletes must saponify themselves does not allow for such a spectrum. However Confucius.com He say " Pot of Gold not at end of Rainbow for all. Only there for those who say 'After you'." Sayonara, in deference to the Japanese diver who didn't do so well but nevertheless bowed and was certainly not humbled.

It's an ill wind for goalies, goolies and ghoulies.

I've been struck down. S & D. I have to blame the Cornish Pastie that I bought in Bath to eat on the train which had a return trip back up this morning just as Harry Briggs came on to bowl. I have therefore no option but to listen to the rest of the one day game in the conservatory wondering whether to murder Colonel Mustard next door with the lead piping as the sun is about to disappear behind his Leylandii. The hundred is up for Pakistan. Bath also came up to expectations. Bresnan gets a wicket 112-2.

No. 1 The Royal Crescent, The Assembly Rooms, The Victoria Gallery, The Huntsman, The Crystal Palace, The Abbey, Twerton Park, The Circus and a trip along the River Avon were all on our tick list. I'm wondering whether to go on the sick list for tonight's Cricket Committee meeting. I need to save myself for the inaugural 5th team nets tomorrow night. Twerton Park is where Bath City play their football in the Blue Square Conference. Briggs gets his first international wicket. Pakistan 135-3.

Bath didn't have a great sporting Saturday. Their Rugby team was beaten by Gloucester while our raison d'etre Ebbsfleet was beating Bath City 2-3 with 10 men for most of the second half. Our goalie was red carded for punching their centre half in the goolies on the half way line. I'm sure it is on Utube by now if you don't believe me. There is a connection with 'ghoulies' as you may have been expecting if you are reading this as predictive text as the ladies went to see the ghost film 'The Woman in Black'.

We are not avid fans of Ebbsfleet United. Another Wicket. When Ebbsfleet has an away game in a picturesque part of the country during half term, we arrange a weekend visit. Past venues have been Torquay, Eastbourne and Weymouth. Bath does not look a cheap place. The Recession has had an effect with the Museum of Bath at Work only open on weekends and the football club's Concession Tickets not only being £2 more expensive than those at Ebbsfleet but are only available to over 65s as opposed to over 60s at Ebbsfleet. There were less than 700 in the crowd quel surprise, though Bath City will blame Bath Rugby for taking 5000 of their supporters to The Rec.

201-4 closely followed by 202-5. I'm following the old recipe for S & D of starving oneself as I need to be fit for the Aquatic Centre for the next section of the London Prepares. So it's Ducking on Wednesday, batting in the nets and Diving on Thursday. Seb will be Ducking and Diving at the moment with LOWLIFE finally admitting that only 30% of tickets for the Olympic 100m Final session are available for the public, quel surprise. Afridi only 9. Caught Bresnan bowled Finn. 215-6. The rest are going to the Corporates etc. A run out and a fall out between the two participants. 220-7 followed by 233-7. Ten balls to go. 233-8.

I know the Ebbsfleet goalie has been suspended for 3 games and I'm not sure whether he plays cricket but I'm definitely going to wear a box on Wednesday. If the Security at the diving make me strip down to my Speedos like they did in the swimming pools we have been to in France I'm wearing it on Thursday as well. Pakistan 237-9 followed by 237 all out. Cook out second ball. Au revoir. Just to update you, England won in the last over with KP amassing 130. Bye.


w

Bored Man? You must be joking.

Apologies for the rushed effort but it's time for Bath. No this is not a grammatically poor Spamtaneous post. Not any more than normal, that is. Nous sommes off to Bath for a Shearings delight of a weekend and the train goes in two hours. Actually the Spam e-mails are improving. The one I got from Mervyn King this morning (see below )was surprisingly well written:-

Good Day,

I AM DELIGHTED TO INFORM YOU THAT I AM THE RECENT BANK OF ENGLAND GOVERNOR NEWLY VOTED AND APPROVED BY THE Government OF ENGLAND,LEGALLY IN CHARGE OF THE ENTIRE LOCAL BANKS AND ALL THE MICRO FINANCE INSTITUTIONS.

I didn't include the address as if somebody is daft enough to read my blog they may be the sort to reply to 'Mervyn The Unreal'. Mervyn seems to be pre-empting Scotland and Wales Rooting, Tooting and Devoluting leaving us with an English Government. Perish the thought, eh Boris.

Boris was not on his bike last night. He didn't need to be; he was at the Velodrome supporting the London Prepares Track Cycling event, as were we. I didn't see him on the train, nor on the bus that took us from just outside Stratford International to just outside the Velodrome. Security was tight, the queues were long but thanks to the superb and helpful organisation we got in sooner than Boris. The Global warming situation with the present drought conditions helped so we didn't get soaked and could absorb the atmosphere without fear of electrocution as the atmosphere inside the stadium was of Hadron Collider proportions.

The Gymnastics at the O2 didn't get close I'm afraid. No big screens, which would have helped as we were seated so high up and so far away that I began to fret that I didn't have Houston's telephone number to contact them if we developed a problem. I'm going to sign off now, not just because of the approaching train but because I have thoughts of Houston and bath in my mind and I need some time to reflect. See you Monday.

Ballots and Balls and Something Fishy

What's the connection between the MCC and The Olympic Committee? Neither wants bums like me filling their seats. It'll be deja vu in all sorts of ways. Hearing from so many others that they are in the same position, reading about the high levels of demand for tickets and watching the corporates not watch the events on the field. Thank goodness for Cook taking England to 200 in the first of the one dayers. Do you think that the Leverson Enquiry will investigate MCC to find out whether the aforementioned Merde D'Oc has encouraged them to restrict the tickets to maintain their number of satellite subscribers who feel the need to watch live cricket? Am I talking Balls? Let the Enquiry be the judge of that as it must have heard plenty by now.

Credit Agricole where Credit Lyonaisse is due. There was an offer to unsuccessful balloteers. There must have been a nudge, even if accompanied by a wink, from a fellow Olympian to offer something in lieu. Thanks for the £90, £85, £70, £60 and £40 offers, but maybe not. Cook is out. 230-6. He got 137. Well done MCC for your U-16s for a fiver. It's the cheapest rate anywhere to occupy youngsters for a whole day. I hope schools don't see an opportunity of another venue to send their disruptive pupils during Ofsted inspections, giving the school a chance to shine as I wouldn't like the MCC members verbally abused at times other than when they refuse to partake in the Mexican Waves. 241-7.

The England Innings ends at 260-7. Time to go. Our items on EBay are ending, hopefully for a reasonable sum as trying to make ends meet with all these cricketing expenses is not a TMS piece of cake

A Shrimper's Saturday

Instead of playing cricket for Gravesend CC Shrimpers, I spent this particular Saturday afternoon wallowing in the shallows of the Mediterranean, turning from prawn to salmon through factor 30. I've been out of my depth in all sorts of ways and I'm not taking any chances in the Med. I'd been listening or not listening to the French couple on the next towel if you know what I mean, Harry. (Not that Harry nor that one). They were replaced by some Americans who I couldn't avoid understanding so as not to think the unthinkable I inflated the inflatable and went out to sea in the beautiful pea green boat to look at the pussy and to see how I could get a reference in to the owl.

After an hour or so they went so I returned to the shore to join my wife who was half dozing, exhausted by an hour's hard listening with one eye on an equally annoying German Michael Schumacher look-alike playing catch with his friend at the water's edge. He hit his mate straight between the eyes with the ball. My wife remarked "He's quite a marksman. He'd make a good bowler for the 2nds." "He chucked it." I said "His arm was bent. He's full of sh**. He couldn't hit a barn door. I'd say the opposite." I ranted. "I think he's a bad marksman. One who shoots but can't hit." The connection with the owl was made and like the chucker it was a constipated one.

"Was that a little taste of a Shrimper's Saturday camaradie?" She asked. "He didn't say sorry to his mate, and he didn't say Kamerade to me, so like Michael Schumacher he must be in a higher league and will be used to the abuse."

We had a lot to carry off the beach and I expect I undid all the good that the Med had done for my bowling arm. "Would you like a hand?" It was the Schumachers. "Thank you very much." I replied. We chatted away merrily back to the cars, leaving any edges Shrimpers style strictly on the field or in this case beach of play.

As usual on a Shrimpers Saturday I was so knackered that I went to bed early. My wife told me in the morning that she had spent a marvellous evening in the company of the Spanish family next door. It had continued through the whole of the night into the early hours of the morning. "I didn't wake you." She said. " I know how you enjoy your Shrimpers Saturdays."

Just a Gentle Reminder

If Ads are being added, and 'Takeaway' is a better way of saying'To Go', especially if the latter is followed by '...forth and multiply' then I have no hesitation in plugging my e-book downloadable from Amazon.co.uk. I would have preferred to have uploaded a photograph of the police helicopter that was hovering over Gravesend this morning. It was scouting around, so like the responsibe citizen I am I went to have a butchers. Being in a Birdwatching area i.e. my garden, the binoculars were within easy reach. The helicopter was over what was until recently the Kent and Essex public house. I made out the sign on the helicopter to be 'Essex Police'. They could well have been checking on what had been until recently their half.

Unusually coming from Essex they didn't like being in the limelight. Retribution was swift with the helicopter moving to hover directly above the house putting me, thankfully rather than them, in a spin. I didn't know whether I was coming or going. I wasn't sure whether to remonstrate or demonstrate. Choosing the latter I went back in to put the kettle on. In truth I was impressed. I had only just bought a couple of tickets for The London Prepares Track Cycling event next week. They'd obviously got wind of my success and wanted to warn me off applying for any real ones.

Message understood, Seb. I know when I'm beaten. Please don't send Harry, the Royal one that is, in an Apache. Otherwise I'll have no option but to sioux.

Putting Things in Perspective

No offence to Kew but I don't think they are a patch on those orchids that we saw in Singapore. Then again Kew will have similar opinions on my onion patch compared to theirs in the walled garden. 586PTQR6PGRW I hear you say. I may not have a Terracotta Army but I can Terracottaconfirm that the seeds I sowed are beginning to sprout. England did lose the third Test Match against Pakistan which means that Cloud Nine is a no-no. Hopefully one day we will do better in the one dayers. It looks like we will not be around,Seb, for the Olympics. Don't take it personally, there are thousands of others who feel equally rejected, dejected and ejected. At least there will be more room on the trains and roads without us being around. I do worry for the future as in previous times I have been forced to watch Nellie Quim at one Olympics and Fan Ye at another. If you do go to Singapore visit the Changi Prison where hundreds of women were detained during the Second World War. A Red Cross rep encouraged them to make a quilt to help them survive the horrors. There too you will see the headstones of many who did not survive, laying down their lives so that the likes of me have the freedom to write all this 586PTQR6PGRW and putting Olympic medals into perpective.

It's Cloudy in Cuckoo Land

Will Pakistan lead by a Triple Nelson? There are those, battered and breadcrumbed by England's recent batting performances who would argue that a single Nelson would be 39 steps too far even if Napoleon Solo's Uncle had been asked to return from San Francisco to join the Flower People in the absence of Goochie Goochie Goo. Even if you love the Fast Train to bits it does you good to slow down from time to time if only to see how the South East's Trackside Vista has changed. Waterloo East was where we had to change. In the days before mobile phones I made a date to meet someone at Waterloo Station at Sunset. How was I supposed to know that there was a second Waterloo further West? Put it down to an Abbaration. Right on cue Swanny got Azhar Ali for 157. We went to Kew yesterday. England need only a Triple Nelson moins neuf to win.

No queues at The Royal Botanic Gardens at Kew despite being the first day of the Tropical Extravaganza in the Princess of Wales Conservatory. Our conservatory is covered in snow au moment. Cook has hit a four and Strauss has got off the mark, but Cook has already been dropped so the weather forecast for Cuckoo Land does not look promising. The Coffee was as they said on the brochure - freshly roasted as we fear England may be before long. Having been reminded of the problems caused by even two glasses of wine a day we went to the Temperate House. Having finished reading the brochures we went to the Palm House to turn over a new leaf. Winter bargains were still available in the shop though I decided to save my money to pay for award winning fish and chips when we were back in Gravesend. England 22-0. Strauss misses the cut but this is not so serious in Cricket as it would be in Golf.

The first review goes England's way. The Reviews are becoming the 'Power Plays' for Test matches. Only one left now for Pakistan. By now England will have a Review Coach as well as a Batting Coach, a Bowling Coach, a Sledging Coach etc.,etc. England Cricket will soon be rivalling Kew with its 200 science staff, 75 affiliated researchers and 110 horticulturists. It's obviously working, despite the fact that the sledging coach would be more fully occupied over here what with the blanket of snow that descended on Britain last night, as CMJ has told us that this is the highest England opening partnership in the series. 29! The advice is 'Get a dog.' If you are stuck on the M25 in the snow the dog blanket will be invaluable and while the dog's water is likely to be frozen the dry dog food should take you through to stumps on day 4 now there is going to be one. 36-0. As ever Sir Geoffery gets it right. 'Improbable, yes; impossible, no.'The Xstrata Treetop Walkway may have been closed at Kew but we'll be on Cloud 9 if England does do it.

Political Correctness

I run the local Cricket Club's 5th Team and I got this letter last week. I don't think it is genuine, but you never know!

10 Downin Street London SW1 2RAC
Dear Mr or is it 'Comrade' Alderson
It has come to the Prime Minister's attention that Middletin CC 5ths, sometimes known as 'The Pinko Shrimpers' has developed a Left Wing bias to its fixtures with the inclusion of Bulleaton Labour Club. I am writing to you as Protagonist-in Chief , filmed as you were by Sky TV presenting Dave, I mean Ed, Milliband with a bottle of appropriately poor quality champagne in your attempts to gerrymander your council into granting you planning permission for your new pavilion.

Mr Cameron is considering the cancellation of your East Malling fixture because of your team's past infiltration of The East Malling Research Centre. We hold your player Mr Steve Clarkson, no relation thankfully to David's mate Jeremy who would never make such an ass of himself, entirely responsible for the strawberry virus

spreading through the raspberry crop. MI5 have him on video holding a cane and gobbing cherry stones towards the raspberries, to the accompanying sound of his wife ' Red Debs' shouting 'Go on Steve, Higher! Higher!' Your club is very fortunate indeed to prevent publication of the incident under the headline 'DEB's DELIGHT AT CHERRY LOST BY RASPBERRY BLOWER'S MAULING'
Despite our attempts to influence your team to pursue excellence, etiquette and decorum by cajoling clubs in Tonbridge and Tunbridge Wells to include you in their fixture lists I note that your captain Brendan Copps refuses to wear the Gravesend CC Designer Wear kit, choosing instead to wear that provocative red rag of a bull cap of his. Since appointing Mr Copps to further club office you can tell your Chairman Mr Pat Harlow that he has as much chance of carrying the Olympic Torch through Gravesend as there is of hearing something pleasant said by Sid from the Bowls Club.

I have read your so called book 'French and Spanish Cricket for Beginners' (Downloadable from Amazon.co.uk) and I am appalled at your antipathy towards the Bank Teams, in particular HSBC. To accuse their management of cheating is a slap in the face to those institutions that have done so much in the recent past for our country and does no credit to you, and you can inform Mr Verinder Bhoombla that as with all banks HSBC will continue to give no credit to you.

The Cabinet in its next COBRA meeting intends to impose an 'Exclusion Area' on your team preventing you from further polluting the fertile fields of Kent, the County known as 'The Garden of England'. You will be restricted to Clubs in the Gravesham area though there is no need to play Gravesham Cricket Club as it is already Really Really well manured.

The Health Secretary Andrew Lansley has asked me to report your player Ben Williams to the ECB for taking a series photographs of you slip fielders dropping catch after catch and then attaching them on the door of Gravesend Conservative Club with the logo underneath 'The NHS is equally safe in our hands'. Because of this we will be instructing the doctor and the dentist who play for you to withdraw from your team. This will particularly affect occasional 5th team players Mr Steve Dutton who pulls at least 2 muscles per game and Mr Ian Obie who spits teeth every time he has an lbw decision turned down.
The Home Secretary, Theresa May, who is under enough pressure at the moment, has asked me to complain on her behalf about receiving long, rambling and tedious e-mails from a Mr Bob James. Mr James has been continually complaining that his performance has been hampered by the fact that he has to use a second hand bat with holed gloves and has developed a twitch from having to adjust his trousers to secure his box and thigh pad even as the bowler runs in. Mr James has explained that he is unable to replace the faulty items as he is prevented from shopping at 'Wickets', the 'All Year Round Cricket Suppliers in Pelham Rd South to take advantage of his 10% reduction as it only opens on Saturday afternoons when he is playing and on Wednesdays from 10am to 2pm when he is still selecting his side.

On a positive note the Prime Minister is pleased to see that cricket fixtures will continue during the Olympic Games. Be assured that there should be no problem as far as selection is concerned as I have yet to meet anyone outside of Parliament who has got any tickets. May I reiterate what Seb Coe has said that this is entirely due to the unprecedented demand for tickets and is not because of the 10,000 FBI agents and the 2000 soldiers manning the surface to air missiles required to protect the American Team and certainly not because of the seats allocated to minor Royals, Investment Bankers and corrupt officials of the various sporting bodies and all other Old Etonians who are not part of the above.

Finally No. 10 has noted the presence of Mr Matthew Walker at your AGM and would take this opportunity to warn him as he considers his future years not to become a member of the 5ths. To Be or not to Be may be his question but this should be superceded by the Question MBE or not MBE. No doubt Mr Walker will be looking to follow other cricketers such as Phil Tufnell, Darren Gough and Mark Ramprakash to appear on Celebrity or Reality Television. I would point him in the direction of The soon to be on air 'Boris Island, Get me out of here.' With its flight path just a couple of hundred feet above the Bat & Ball I would suggest that any further monies from the ECB should be spent on Ear Muffs, Calm Down Dear shatter proof tea cups and . It's an ill wind-At least the number of ducks per game will rise to the level achieved by the 5ths.

You have been warned

Yours truly

Rupert Merde d'Oc

I was once a Hacker

Okay, I admit it-I've been caught out. It may not be the best of photographs, but it shows what happened to my putter. What is now considered to be criminal behaviour took place on nine hole courses in 1999. Leeds Castle, Lullingstone, Wrotham Heath and Deangate Ridge. I can't think of the other five but I would like them taken into consideration, Your Honour. I felt bad about it; I tried to go straight but I couldn't help myself. I hacked my way round using only a nine iron. Even when a friend took me to one of the Sandwich Courses ( I think it was the second course )I got myself into a pickle. By George, I remember now, it was the first course. Like how I felt, it was a sort of toad-in-the-hole.


I needed to cover it up,before I made a meal of it. I used the excuse that I was fed up with birthday and Christmas presents being almost entirely golf related. I'd already carpeted our lounge with green baize and like me it couldn't take any more. As you know, Your Honour, I can write enough balls without Father Christmas depositing more down the chimney. I had to get rid of the evidence knowing that one day there would be an enquiry. Realizing that there was nobody to grass me up I turned to the the lawn mower. It was a Mountfield Petrol self-fulfilling Prophecy model. Terrific engine; shame about the handles. Manoeuvring around the apples and pears did for them. I needed a long term solution. As my short game was as bad as my hacking I could see a connection. I swung into action attaching my 3 put putter to the mower's bracket to keep it shut. Momentarily I regretted not having one of those sit-on mowers as I had a spare driver. I wedged the other side. I admit I was flagging. I even told the missus after a bit of foreplay, where to go when she said she needed a cup of tees. As a matter of fact I didn't mean to be so harsh but I didn't want her to become a golfing accessory.


There is a point to all this. Did I hear on the Radio this morning that the Times had been accused of Hacking into E-Mails? Maybe this is why the Sunday Times hasn't dealt with the matter brought up in the E-Mail I tried to send them after reading an article in the Travel Section last Sunday. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt as they probably haven't hacked in yet to how hacked off I feel about it. For those of you who haven't hacked in to my Hard Drive:-



I am trying to make a comment for the benefit of the author of the article with regard to no.1 in his 100 best holidays 'Take The Plunge' published in the 'Travel' section of The Sunday Times yesterday. I did go to thesundaytimes.co.uk/travel, but I seemed to be redirected to registering online which I don't want to do. My apologies for burdening you. I need to tell him that our then 18 year son leapt off the Pont du Diable at Thueyts into the River Ardèche below in 1999 fracturing his sternum. He most certainly would have drowned if it were not for his brave friend who jumped in to pull our unconscious son from the water. Thanks to the help of many others, some who knew him, some who didn't, some whose job it was and some whose job it wasn't, he made a full recovery. I can remember the Doctor at the hospital in Valence to which my son had been taken in an air ambulance asking me as I held his hand in intensive care why youngsters do it. I didn't have the Language to tell him that like the French he was untrammelled by our health-and-safety culture.

Thank you for your time

Best wishes

Mike Kelleher