It's an ill wind for goalies, goolies and ghoulies.

I've been struck down. S & D. I have to blame the Cornish Pastie that I bought in Bath to eat on the train which had a return trip back up this morning just as Harry Briggs came on to bowl. I have therefore no option but to listen to the rest of the one day game in the conservatory wondering whether to murder Colonel Mustard next door with the lead piping as the sun is about to disappear behind his Leylandii. The hundred is up for Pakistan. Bath also came up to expectations. Bresnan gets a wicket 112-2.

No. 1 The Royal Crescent, The Assembly Rooms, The Victoria Gallery, The Huntsman, The Crystal Palace, The Abbey, Twerton Park, The Circus and a trip along the River Avon were all on our tick list. I'm wondering whether to go on the sick list for tonight's Cricket Committee meeting. I need to save myself for the inaugural 5th team nets tomorrow night. Twerton Park is where Bath City play their football in the Blue Square Conference. Briggs gets his first international wicket. Pakistan 135-3.

Bath didn't have a great sporting Saturday. Their Rugby team was beaten by Gloucester while our raison d'etre Ebbsfleet was beating Bath City 2-3 with 10 men for most of the second half. Our goalie was red carded for punching their centre half in the goolies on the half way line. I'm sure it is on Utube by now if you don't believe me. There is a connection with 'ghoulies' as you may have been expecting if you are reading this as predictive text as the ladies went to see the ghost film 'The Woman in Black'.

We are not avid fans of Ebbsfleet United. Another Wicket. When Ebbsfleet has an away game in a picturesque part of the country during half term, we arrange a weekend visit. Past venues have been Torquay, Eastbourne and Weymouth. Bath does not look a cheap place. The Recession has had an effect with the Museum of Bath at Work only open on weekends and the football club's Concession Tickets not only being £2 more expensive than those at Ebbsfleet but are only available to over 65s as opposed to over 60s at Ebbsfleet. There were less than 700 in the crowd quel surprise, though Bath City will blame Bath Rugby for taking 5000 of their supporters to The Rec.

201-4 closely followed by 202-5. I'm following the old recipe for S & D of starving oneself as I need to be fit for the Aquatic Centre for the next section of the London Prepares. So it's Ducking on Wednesday, batting in the nets and Diving on Thursday. Seb will be Ducking and Diving at the moment with LOWLIFE finally admitting that only 30% of tickets for the Olympic 100m Final session are available for the public, quel surprise. Afridi only 9. Caught Bresnan bowled Finn. 215-6. The rest are going to the Corporates etc. A run out and a fall out between the two participants. 220-7 followed by 233-7. Ten balls to go. 233-8.

I know the Ebbsfleet goalie has been suspended for 3 games and I'm not sure whether he plays cricket but I'm definitely going to wear a box on Wednesday. If the Security at the diving make me strip down to my Speedos like they did in the swimming pools we have been to in France I'm wearing it on Thursday as well. Pakistan 237-9 followed by 237 all out. Cook out second ball. Au revoir. Just to update you, England won in the last over with KP amassing 130. Bye.


w

Bored Man? You must be joking.

Apologies for the rushed effort but it's time for Bath. No this is not a grammatically poor Spamtaneous post. Not any more than normal, that is. Nous sommes off to Bath for a Shearings delight of a weekend and the train goes in two hours. Actually the Spam e-mails are improving. The one I got from Mervyn King this morning (see below )was surprisingly well written:-

Good Day,

I AM DELIGHTED TO INFORM YOU THAT I AM THE RECENT BANK OF ENGLAND GOVERNOR NEWLY VOTED AND APPROVED BY THE Government OF ENGLAND,LEGALLY IN CHARGE OF THE ENTIRE LOCAL BANKS AND ALL THE MICRO FINANCE INSTITUTIONS.

I didn't include the address as if somebody is daft enough to read my blog they may be the sort to reply to 'Mervyn The Unreal'. Mervyn seems to be pre-empting Scotland and Wales Rooting, Tooting and Devoluting leaving us with an English Government. Perish the thought, eh Boris.

Boris was not on his bike last night. He didn't need to be; he was at the Velodrome supporting the London Prepares Track Cycling event, as were we. I didn't see him on the train, nor on the bus that took us from just outside Stratford International to just outside the Velodrome. Security was tight, the queues were long but thanks to the superb and helpful organisation we got in sooner than Boris. The Global warming situation with the present drought conditions helped so we didn't get soaked and could absorb the atmosphere without fear of electrocution as the atmosphere inside the stadium was of Hadron Collider proportions.

The Gymnastics at the O2 didn't get close I'm afraid. No big screens, which would have helped as we were seated so high up and so far away that I began to fret that I didn't have Houston's telephone number to contact them if we developed a problem. I'm going to sign off now, not just because of the approaching train but because I have thoughts of Houston and bath in my mind and I need some time to reflect. See you Monday.

Ballots and Balls and Something Fishy

What's the connection between the MCC and The Olympic Committee? Neither wants bums like me filling their seats. It'll be deja vu in all sorts of ways. Hearing from so many others that they are in the same position, reading about the high levels of demand for tickets and watching the corporates not watch the events on the field. Thank goodness for Cook taking England to 200 in the first of the one dayers. Do you think that the Leverson Enquiry will investigate MCC to find out whether the aforementioned Merde D'Oc has encouraged them to restrict the tickets to maintain their number of satellite subscribers who feel the need to watch live cricket? Am I talking Balls? Let the Enquiry be the judge of that as it must have heard plenty by now.

Credit Agricole where Credit Lyonaisse is due. There was an offer to unsuccessful balloteers. There must have been a nudge, even if accompanied by a wink, from a fellow Olympian to offer something in lieu. Thanks for the £90, £85, £70, £60 and £40 offers, but maybe not. Cook is out. 230-6. He got 137. Well done MCC for your U-16s for a fiver. It's the cheapest rate anywhere to occupy youngsters for a whole day. I hope schools don't see an opportunity of another venue to send their disruptive pupils during Ofsted inspections, giving the school a chance to shine as I wouldn't like the MCC members verbally abused at times other than when they refuse to partake in the Mexican Waves. 241-7.

The England Innings ends at 260-7. Time to go. Our items on EBay are ending, hopefully for a reasonable sum as trying to make ends meet with all these cricketing expenses is not a TMS piece of cake

A Shrimper's Saturday

Instead of playing cricket for Gravesend CC Shrimpers, I spent this particular Saturday afternoon wallowing in the shallows of the Mediterranean, turning from prawn to salmon through factor 30. I've been out of my depth in all sorts of ways and I'm not taking any chances in the Med. I'd been listening or not listening to the French couple on the next towel if you know what I mean, Harry. (Not that Harry nor that one). They were replaced by some Americans who I couldn't avoid understanding so as not to think the unthinkable I inflated the inflatable and went out to sea in the beautiful pea green boat to look at the pussy and to see how I could get a reference in to the owl.

After an hour or so they went so I returned to the shore to join my wife who was half dozing, exhausted by an hour's hard listening with one eye on an equally annoying German Michael Schumacher look-alike playing catch with his friend at the water's edge. He hit his mate straight between the eyes with the ball. My wife remarked "He's quite a marksman. He'd make a good bowler for the 2nds." "He chucked it." I said "His arm was bent. He's full of sh**. He couldn't hit a barn door. I'd say the opposite." I ranted. "I think he's a bad marksman. One who shoots but can't hit." The connection with the owl was made and like the chucker it was a constipated one.

"Was that a little taste of a Shrimper's Saturday camaradie?" She asked. "He didn't say sorry to his mate, and he didn't say Kamerade to me, so like Michael Schumacher he must be in a higher league and will be used to the abuse."

We had a lot to carry off the beach and I expect I undid all the good that the Med had done for my bowling arm. "Would you like a hand?" It was the Schumachers. "Thank you very much." I replied. We chatted away merrily back to the cars, leaving any edges Shrimpers style strictly on the field or in this case beach of play.

As usual on a Shrimpers Saturday I was so knackered that I went to bed early. My wife told me in the morning that she had spent a marvellous evening in the company of the Spanish family next door. It had continued through the whole of the night into the early hours of the morning. "I didn't wake you." She said. " I know how you enjoy your Shrimpers Saturdays."

Just a Gentle Reminder

If Ads are being added, and 'Takeaway' is a better way of saying'To Go', especially if the latter is followed by '...forth and multiply' then I have no hesitation in plugging my e-book downloadable from Amazon.co.uk. I would have preferred to have uploaded a photograph of the police helicopter that was hovering over Gravesend this morning. It was scouting around, so like the responsibe citizen I am I went to have a butchers. Being in a Birdwatching area i.e. my garden, the binoculars were within easy reach. The helicopter was over what was until recently the Kent and Essex public house. I made out the sign on the helicopter to be 'Essex Police'. They could well have been checking on what had been until recently their half.

Unusually coming from Essex they didn't like being in the limelight. Retribution was swift with the helicopter moving to hover directly above the house putting me, thankfully rather than them, in a spin. I didn't know whether I was coming or going. I wasn't sure whether to remonstrate or demonstrate. Choosing the latter I went back in to put the kettle on. In truth I was impressed. I had only just bought a couple of tickets for The London Prepares Track Cycling event next week. They'd obviously got wind of my success and wanted to warn me off applying for any real ones.

Message understood, Seb. I know when I'm beaten. Please don't send Harry, the Royal one that is, in an Apache. Otherwise I'll have no option but to sioux.

Putting Things in Perspective

No offence to Kew but I don't think they are a patch on those orchids that we saw in Singapore. Then again Kew will have similar opinions on my onion patch compared to theirs in the walled garden. 586PTQR6PGRW I hear you say. I may not have a Terracotta Army but I can Terracottaconfirm that the seeds I sowed are beginning to sprout. England did lose the third Test Match against Pakistan which means that Cloud Nine is a no-no. Hopefully one day we will do better in the one dayers. It looks like we will not be around,Seb, for the Olympics. Don't take it personally, there are thousands of others who feel equally rejected, dejected and ejected. At least there will be more room on the trains and roads without us being around. I do worry for the future as in previous times I have been forced to watch Nellie Quim at one Olympics and Fan Ye at another. If you do go to Singapore visit the Changi Prison where hundreds of women were detained during the Second World War. A Red Cross rep encouraged them to make a quilt to help them survive the horrors. There too you will see the headstones of many who did not survive, laying down their lives so that the likes of me have the freedom to write all this 586PTQR6PGRW and putting Olympic medals into perpective.

It's Cloudy in Cuckoo Land

Will Pakistan lead by a Triple Nelson? There are those, battered and breadcrumbed by England's recent batting performances who would argue that a single Nelson would be 39 steps too far even if Napoleon Solo's Uncle had been asked to return from San Francisco to join the Flower People in the absence of Goochie Goochie Goo. Even if you love the Fast Train to bits it does you good to slow down from time to time if only to see how the South East's Trackside Vista has changed. Waterloo East was where we had to change. In the days before mobile phones I made a date to meet someone at Waterloo Station at Sunset. How was I supposed to know that there was a second Waterloo further West? Put it down to an Abbaration. Right on cue Swanny got Azhar Ali for 157. We went to Kew yesterday. England need only a Triple Nelson moins neuf to win.

No queues at The Royal Botanic Gardens at Kew despite being the first day of the Tropical Extravaganza in the Princess of Wales Conservatory. Our conservatory is covered in snow au moment. Cook has hit a four and Strauss has got off the mark, but Cook has already been dropped so the weather forecast for Cuckoo Land does not look promising. The Coffee was as they said on the brochure - freshly roasted as we fear England may be before long. Having been reminded of the problems caused by even two glasses of wine a day we went to the Temperate House. Having finished reading the brochures we went to the Palm House to turn over a new leaf. Winter bargains were still available in the shop though I decided to save my money to pay for award winning fish and chips when we were back in Gravesend. England 22-0. Strauss misses the cut but this is not so serious in Cricket as it would be in Golf.

The first review goes England's way. The Reviews are becoming the 'Power Plays' for Test matches. Only one left now for Pakistan. By now England will have a Review Coach as well as a Batting Coach, a Bowling Coach, a Sledging Coach etc.,etc. England Cricket will soon be rivalling Kew with its 200 science staff, 75 affiliated researchers and 110 horticulturists. It's obviously working, despite the fact that the sledging coach would be more fully occupied over here what with the blanket of snow that descended on Britain last night, as CMJ has told us that this is the highest England opening partnership in the series. 29! The advice is 'Get a dog.' If you are stuck on the M25 in the snow the dog blanket will be invaluable and while the dog's water is likely to be frozen the dry dog food should take you through to stumps on day 4 now there is going to be one. 36-0. As ever Sir Geoffery gets it right. 'Improbable, yes; impossible, no.'The Xstrata Treetop Walkway may have been closed at Kew but we'll be on Cloud 9 if England does do it.