Past Dreams of Cricketing Reality

This was written in 2006. Admittedly it was an account of a dream reported in French and Spanish Cricket now to be found as French and Spanish Cricket for Beginners on Amazon. But the game was set in Sri Lanka. Scary or what? The book has already put the mockers on a number of celebs and institutions. I'm afraid to read it again. Are you? Well you should have read it in the first place. Read on:-
We were all out for 51. I didn’t face a ball, but unlike the two previous wickets to fall I didn’t turn my back until we all had to walk back to the pavilion. The writing was on the wall after the first two overs. They were 41-1. The only wicket to fall was where I caught one of their openers first ball at the deepest of deep fine legs.

The captain who’d been fiddling with his ear since the end of the second over came over and tossed me the ball. I dropped it. The batsman who was going to face laughed out loud. I’ve never sledged anybody in my life not even on the iciest of conditions. I didn’t intend to start now. The wicketkeeper was that waiter that I’d introduced to the club.

I walked past the batsman with disdain. ‘Remember that bloke who was stumped off a wide when you played for the Shrimpers? I asked him. He nodded. ‘Well he had a fat ass like this one and we can’t afford another over.’ I went back to my mark and bowled wide of it. In his attempt to reach it and still hit it out of the ground the batsman with the fat ass toppled over and was stumped.
I bowled the next bloke first ball. ‘You aint going to face another ball.’ I told the non-striker who’d got most of the runs.

Just to prove the point I knocked the middle stump of their number five out of the ground. The next ball didn’t leave my hand. He was half way up the wicket before I reached the stumps. I stopped and hovered with the ball just over the bails. ‘Cheats won’t prosper.’ I said. ‘Take this as a warning.’ He went up to talk to the new batsman. I let the umpire know and went back to my mark.

This time the batsman facing set off before I bowled. Unfortunately for him not only did it miss the wicket but this time it was me that had overstepped the mark. The wicketkeeper who was now standing back ran him out. The non striker had heeded the warning; this time he hadn’t even followed up and they didn’t cross. ‘Still here then?’ I said hoping he was a bigger arse than the one I’d had stumped. He was.

I set the trap. I moved square leg slightly behind making it three behind on the leg side. I saw him wink at his own umpire at square leg. He suspected another run out on a no ball. He had every intention of not being run out. Even I was getting irritated by my final field adjustments. Once again he set off way before I got there with his tunnel vision looking only toward the leg side fielders. ‘I’ve warned you once!’

I could have said as I flicked the bail off.’ Why don’t you learn to play within the laws.’ All I said was ‘Howzat’. The umpire nodded in that Batistuta self righteous way as if the judgement of Solomon had just been delivered. Of course nothing had been delivered, so we were back on track with four balls to go and four wickets to fall. In circumstances like that you can’t leave things to chance, so I had two bowled and two caught and bowled.