Skeletons in the Cupboard

It was on my son's school's cricket tour to Cork City. We were due to play 3 games against Cork City's Presentation College, Cork CCC and Munster CC respectively. The weather was reasonably kind and only one of the matches was abandoned to rain. None of the opposition sides missed out as it was the same 11 youngters who turned out on all three occasions.

In the first game our side was batting and I was umpiring. My son pushed one to leg and they took a quick single. The other umpire signalled and shouted ‘One short’ and the total went down by one, even though it hadn’t gone up by one in the first place. One of the opposition kids came up to me and with a smile on his face he said ‘Only in Ireland!’ ‘Don’t worry;' I said 'we’ll get it in singles.’

I hope I’m known as a fair umpire and give it as I see it but I was almost tempted by the most melodic and appealing of Irish accents ‘Now how will that be then?’ with my son plumb in front. ‘There’s no English blood in my veins either’ I explained to him, at the end of the over, with the boy's grandparents coming from 20 miles down the road. Even though they are both dead like WG Grace who has played on The Mardyke at Cork CC they would have come to see him bat not me umpire. Well I said I was Irish didn’t I?

One of our tour visits was to Cork City Gaol. It wasn't exactly the place for a barrel of laughs but that was what was heard from each group as they rolled out of a particular cell on the first floor. Not funny for me or my son. As I entered I saw my uncle and his great uncle Cornelius Kelleher(pictured) looking like a corpse serving out his sentence of indefinite duration for being constantly drunk and disorderly.

As parents do, I took the opportunity both to remind my son of the perils of the demon drink but also to reassure him that the DNA in his genes was not entirely sourced from his Great Uncle Cornelius, now twice removed.

At a previous Gravesend Cricket Club AGM the 3rd team captain praised the boy for his bowling abilities. 'It's nice to see that Mike has passed on his cricketing genes' he said. As I was beginning to glow, not just with the effect of the couple of pints I had sunk, he followed up with 'It is a pity that he didn't keep any for himself.'

The boy now a man scored 110 at the Bat & Ball on Saturday. I couldn't have been more proud. I had however to shake him by the hand without looking him in the eye as I couldn't co-ordinate my movements, not just with the effect of the couple of pints I had sunk but because of the lingering pain in my neck caused in my successful attempt to take a catch in the deep at Telston and Mereworth Cricket Club earlier that afternoon, confirming skeletal remains of this particular cricketing gene.

We lost the match with a mid order collapse , but T & M adjusted their bowling attack to make a game of it which to me is why I so much enjoy non league cricket. The tea they provided was fantastic and we thanked them for allowing the ladies to join in the feast after returning from their jaunts around some nearby South East Open Studios. Telston and Mereworth CC and their Fix Sec, Chris Keeler have a reputation for producing a fixture card that contains much that will amuse and this year's is no exception with its hilarious advertisements.

They also have The AA's (drinking sort) phone number on the back which could prove to be personally very useful if Uncle Cornelius twice removed passed on more of his DNA than I initially thought.