Parliamentary Privilege in Ashes

The Tory MP who has skidaddled off to the Australian Rain Forest has set a precedent enabling working people to go on the Ashes Tour in 2013 on full pay. Be prepared, however, to stand in a byebye-election if as is likely such unauthorised absences remain a parliamentary privilege.

The pompous ass partner of a previous 'I'm a pompous ass, get my ass out of here' pompous ass was certain that the truant and accuser of Cameron and Osborne of being pompous asses would have covered her ass by organising staff to do the constituency donkey work during her absence.

Hence teachers amongst you do not have to worry about telling the Head, or covering your lessons while down under. Teacher Assistants will do it after they've found out you're gone, at a tenth of your salary. You can calculate expenses by subtracting a month's pay from the price of the Tour.

If you can't manage the maths simply abscond to an Academy School where you won't have to worry about such stipulations thus adding to the scheme's unqualified successes.

All I heard on the grapewhine was that she didn't tell Lord Snooty and her 3 line whip managers until after the event as by then it would have been too late for them to cry over spilt milk. She thought they wouldn't have the bottle to charge her with milking it after having pointed out that they didn't know the price of a pint of milk in the first place.

Lord Snooty commented that it made a change for somebody to live in the Colony before they were convicted reminding those who choose to remain to accept that a Society where the cream rises to the top to be licked by the Fat Cats is not a separatist Society but one in which all are together.

'Convict Colony' or not, the in-house question I want to ask of you is 'Which Tour Operator should be used?'

The Grandstand Group who took us in 2006 included a daytrip to a Rain Forest three days before the Brisbane Test and three years after Tuffers became King of the Jungle. In Adelaide we stayed in the same hotel as the Australian team. We listened to Angus Fraser and Kerry O' Keeffe during a three course meal with unlimited wine or beer.

Four years later we had the very unparliamentary privilege of the company of Former England International wicketkeeper Bob Taylor as the efficient, principled and likeable Tour Manager for The Sporting Traveller.

Gullivers were obvious rivals and we were too grey for the Barmies. Howzat could appeal. Their New Zealand Itineraries looked tempting. As Viper said to Maverick in Top Gun 'There will be others'.

Can you help?

Oh yes. Warners went well. A shame about the Halloween gear I bought as it turned out to be a traditional Turkey and Tinsel week. Boxing Day's Late Night Karaoke (pictured) was a qualified success as were the New Year's Eve Rocket Balloons imported by I.T.I. (UK) Ltd Essex CO2 8HH.

The traditional verbal abuse by Elvis' mate was limited towards the unlucky resident singer who had to follow the Lord Mayor's show (pictured) being told to 'Liven it up a bit' during her Cabaret Spotlight final farewell session.

Ho ho ho.

Cornish Pasties not a patch on Cookies

I was just making a suggestion to a past fellow member of an Ashes Tour Group on faceBook of a possible way to spend a Cornish afternoon viz....


'Might be a bit far from where you are, or maybe not enough time left not to mention the weather but parking at Lelant Park & Ride, Ciff path to St Ives wallowing in Art there, catching the train back, pasties from Philps in Hayle TR27 4BJ and a pint of Doombar or two if you are not the driver might be memorable'(Pictured above).

...when I noticed that the accompanying advert to the blog was from M&S. I couldn't believe it. The good lady wife and myself had just been considering whether we should treat ourselves to a 'Dine in for £10' meal.I didn't click on it as I haven't found out yet whether it is against the rules to self click, and I don't want to be fined any more than the 44p that I've managed to earn this month.

Impressive or what? Those cookies must be the sort that Harry used in Spooks to extract information without having to resort to the violence now showing in the Private sector according to Hunted.

As I related the tale to her in the checkout (that's the wife not the cashier), she told me that she had been on line earlier in the day to see if M&S were doing it this weekend. 'That's why we were talking about it...' she explained, also explaining to the both of us that although advanced, cookies were not the serial killers that plunge you into the deep fat fryer I had wrongly assumed them to be.

'...it could also explain why 'Dating Agency' adverts used to crop up next to your posts' she added. 'It's because two fixture secretaries responded to the previous post by looking for dates through The John Harley system and so the all-pervading cookies saw an opportunity' was all I could manage.

We're off to Warner's Lakeside next. Perhaps Fix Secs will be more forthcoming with holiday suggestions. It's a long time since we've been to a Warner's. We have been reluctant to show our faces since we went to a 'Las Vegas Weekend' at Corton.

As the last and most famous member of the Rat Pack came on stage one of our party managed to shout out 'F*"* off you Mafiosi B"*@*$* before my missus got a hand over his mouth. Luckily he met the Rochdale Elvis in the bar and got on with him well enough for the Saturday Night Show to proceed without incident. The R E was so convincing that the ladies in our group thought about going backstage to see if he was in need of resuscitation.

We had more 'Tribute Group trouble' with another one of our party when we went to the Princess Theatre in Torquay to see some real live ABBA marionettes. They were good - You couldn't see the strings and not just because some of our party donned satin and danced not in the aisles but in the rows in front of the seat I was sat in (sorry) thus ruining 50% of the visual effects I was looking forward to after having seen the movie 'Abba The Movie' in the 70s.

My mate obviously light headed with a combination of the pints of lager consumed before the show and the tightness of his satin tie that he was wearing around his forehead, began to make a fuss in the foyer when he discovered that there were no CDs for sale. 'They're a F*"*ing Tribute band you daft B"*@*$*' said the up until then well behaved friend of Elvis mimicking the very words that my lady wife had whispered into his shell-like at Corton.

I'll let you know what becomes of the entertainment at Lakeside.

Oh yes. My Ashes pal got back to me on faceBook. He must have had too many cookies with his cream teas. He said he doesn't get on with Doombar - He prefers 'Tribute'. Scary or what?

If you are down that way over Halloween and really want to be pushed to but not over the limit, just a bit after buying your pasties turn left to TR27 5AD and drink your pint of Tribute at The Bucket of Blood pub, If you dare!

Venice Vidi Vici Vino

Something has motivated me into putting the third finger of my right hand and the digital finger of the left into action. Perhaps it is the Tory Party Conference that resurrected the two aforementioned fingers this time on the same hand and restored the blood flow.

I am in reflective mode on a Cricket season now complete with fixtures rained off, toured out or unfulfilled all replaced by the splendid, should be mentioned in dispatches John Harley system. Not that I am personally in need but have you thought of using your system as a dating replacement scheme, John?

'I have been seriously let down by a lady from Northfleet for this coming weekend. There is a table for two booked in Istead Rise for Saturday, but could arrange for home cooking if preferred. Have a strong sociable personality but this can easily be reduced through medium to weak for the right sort of person. A ball will be had if we hit it off and I would be prepared to become a regular fixture if you don't mind me playing away from home every now and then.'

I missed our final game of the season at Ash CC as I was visiting the Beautiful City of Venice (Pictured) looking for a venue for a possible cricket tour. With my two fingered approach to 'We're all in this together except we'll make sure you are deeper in it than us' I am happy to share how you can experience this timeless city for arachidi, getting away at night in time to be able to buy your frizzante rather than spumante vino rosso for €1.75 a litre before closing time.

Unless you want to be a former fixture secretary don't 'play chicken with the vaporettos', as suggested in 'You can keep your Gondolas' (The Sunday Times Travel October7). Instead cock a snoop at the sardine packed boats on the Grand Canal by using the Vaporetto dell Arte which for an additional €10 on your 72 hour+ travel pass you get your own private trip up and down and on and off as many times as you want, without the dangers of being mown down by the battery of boats much higher in the pecking order but lower in the puking order than the paltry canoe.

Unlike the chicken crossing the M25, for €2 you can get casseroled across the Grand Canal in a gondola from Salute( can't do an e acute) to San Marco and only have to put up with two grumpy gondoliers for four minutes.

I could tell you where to stay for £50 pp for 7 nights, with a thirty minute cruise into Venice, via Murano and Burano if you wish, all included in your water travel pass, with a Pizza place just round the corner, the Adriatic 5 mins walk for swimming, fishing, cockling and every beach activity or inactivity you can think of, six outdoor swimming pools, two heated and a crazy golf course to die for, but that would need some interest on your part.

To register this interest simply click on the adverts accompanying this blog (They will be more aimed at your needs than mine with these all pervading cookies) and that will allow me the €9.70 to save up for one of those solar powered swinging gondolas that the lovely lady wife would not let me buy this year.

So that's you and me both then for next year. Marina di Venezia is the venue, just a 15 minute cycle ride with a view to Punta Sabbioni where your water bound adventures begin. Book via The Sun Holidays saving the tokens, keeping those fingers crossed of course. The accommodation will cost you £200 for 7 nights for 4 people in a static caravan with a terrace.

By keeping each other informed using the John Harley system there ought to be enough people holidaying at the same time for beach cricket and enough booked caravans to ring fence a late night post match festa. On top of all that Venice is just around the corner with the top dog being The Doges Palace which is the dog's bollocks as far as potential for out of season indoor nets are concerned.

You're welcome.



Best wishes

Mike Kelleher

Oscar Pistorius, Unhappy and Inglorious in not being Victorious...

.... God Save The Queen. I Watched Oscar eating humble pie on the TV last evening. We all make mistakes and it is good to see that his advisers told him what to do to make amends after his potentially costly error. Perhaps KP should engage them to vet his future outpourings. After all they speak the same language.

Who am I to pontificate? Nobody. Just a soul who was able to get into the Olympic Stadium, thanks to the fact that The Paralympics are separate to the Olympics. A contentious issue. By the looks of what I saw the two events could be and probably should be merged and why not?

I know if they had been with that farce of a ticketless website and the stupid initial ballot that the LOWLIFE committee set up, I together with thousands of others wouldn't have been able to go to any events other than football, and what a loss that would have been.

The whole thing from stepping on to the High Speed train for £3.60 through presenting the £5 ticket to be scanned at Gate C to replying 'Oi Oi Oi' to the volunteer's 'Oggie oggie oggie' on the way home was momentous, a never to be forgotten experience that so narrowly could have been missed by the many.

But as I said who am I? Just a bum on a seat. But a seat that I'd have gladly given up to your mob, Seb, if those Paralympian heroes would have rather been Olympians.

Quite a few missed David Weir's first gold medal because of the Oliveira Affair. After Oliveira pissed off Pistorius (in the next 10 metres following the moment captured in the photograph above) loads of people who were able to, stood up to vacate their seats. Not us, not thousands of others. To see history being made is worth waiting for.

We became familiar with the Chinese National Anthem. Five or six times we stood up for it. I was happy to return the compliment. After all it was the Chinese together with the other Asian divers who bowed and acknowledged the crowd in the Aquatic Centre during The London Prepares Games.

We went again on the Tuesday. I wished I had gone on the Monday so I could have joined in with the booing of the boy George. I heard on the Today Programme that some of the Right Wing press called the crowd's behaviour 'shameful', as if they'd taken their clothes off. Perhaps the paper should have advised their boy George to have stuck to the Olympics where he would have been more amongst his fellows.

The wife and I could be joining the also-rans of the Royal family. With just one gold medal to go to become a Baroness for my brother's wife's son's sister in law I fully expect to be in line to make an appearance on that balcony.

God Save The Queen.

PS. Where the National Flags of the medal winning athletes are raised is in a place that doesn't catch the wind.

Some of the visually impaired long jumpers almost ran into where the official sand rakers sit.

Many of the visually impaired discus throwers couldn't hear their guides consequently throwing the discus in the wrong direction for a foul throw.

Quite a few of the Track athletes were kept hanging around for far too long, while medal ceremonies took place.

This in my opinion was why Oscar got beaten by a whisker as he was given too much time to milk the adoration of the crowd, went off the boil and soured the occasion. And as you now know Oscar you can't cry 'Weirwolf' after spilt milk.

Otherwise very well done.

PPS. See you at Balmoral.

Out of the Frying Pan

Shades of the beginning of the season-Opposition drop out, organise another game then it gets rained off. Kindly the opposition have offered to try to find a pitch for next week as we don't have a scheduled game.

The phone call describing the downpour came 20 minutes before we were due to set off, so we decamped to our house to have a few beers and to set the world right.

The alternatives received to frogs legs included chicken wings, King size prawns and scallops. I did get stick from some Vegans but with no response from @Edangeredfrogs I've suggested a replacement recipe which I thought would have been suitable for veggies, but turns out to have the word 'viandes' in it.

Hopefully mon amie the translater will come up trumps encore un fois to confirm this, though I don't want to overload her curriculum as the French must be back at School by now. Term time can't be far away over here either as the Notting Hill Carnival is in full swing.

Paralympics, Venice and Bournemouth to fit in while the Cricket season comes to an end, then serious thinking about the next year's Ashes. I've been to more Test Match days in Australia than I have over here. I've got to maintain my average on that count.

What would you suggest? Adelaide, a few days in Sydney then Perth in the company of Bob Taylor?

Read this mes amis and drool

Let me think ..............



Cut the frog legs in half. Season both the legs and flour. In a large saute pan, over medium heat, melt the butter. Dredge the frog legs in the seasoned flour and shake to remove any excess flour. Add the frog legs to the hot pan and saute until golden, turning as needed, about 2 to 3 minutes each side. Add the shallots and garlic and saute for 1 minute. Add the tomatoes, season with salt and pepper, and cook for 1 minute. Add the wine, simmer for 2 minutes, then stir in the parsley. Remove from the heat and serve.

Get someone that you fancy to read this to you in a french accent and you'll never have the need to read those 50 Shades threesomes. As the lovely Lizzie (pictured) would say, Griff, Dara and Rory (from my old school), 'As you can see from the picture of our sinking boat Three would be a crowd'.

PS. If you can think of a substitute for the frogs legs that will still press the buttons feel free to comment.

Hop (sic) Springs Eternal

The frog in my garden (pictured) is perfectly safe as my French isn't up to translating the recipe (pictured aussie) to make a meal of it.

He or she was too quick, too slippery for me anyway and legged it just after the photo was taken. I continue to have similar experiences with the LOWLIFE website trying this time for Paralympic tickets. The frog seems slow compared with the speed at which the available tickets disappear into the ether.

The same thing happened with the Olympics but it didn't spoil the event and I wallowed in the success of it all just like everybody else. While we were in France avoiding the grenouilles a friend of ours managed to get us tickets for the Athletics. For a fiver each!

I feel a sense of guilt. Why me? I feel like a benefit cheat? No worse. Like a banker. I'm persuading myself that as it wasn't me that actually got the tickets I should continue the search for more.Track Cycling, Equestrian or Swimming? What do you think Seb?

There are those who would say, Seb, that the frog has more chance of turning into a Prince or even a Lord than I have of getting tickets from that website. Like that frog I have no intention of becoming legless or newtlike but I like you, Seb, will celebrate if I strike gold.

I need to galvanise myself this weekend and get myself prepared to play some cricket after weeks of umpiring inactivity. The game is at Teston where I tore tendons in my arm three years ago. With the passing of time and the help of some reiki sessions my bowling arm should be okay for a couple of overs.

We'll see.