Parliamentary Privilege in Ashes

The Tory MP who has skidaddled off to the Australian Rain Forest has set a precedent enabling working people to go on the Ashes Tour in 2013 on full pay. Be prepared, however, to stand in a byebye-election if as is likely such unauthorised absences remain a parliamentary privilege.

The pompous ass partner of a previous 'I'm a pompous ass, get my ass out of here' pompous ass was certain that the truant and accuser of Cameron and Osborne of being pompous asses would have covered her ass by organising staff to do the constituency donkey work during her absence.

Hence teachers amongst you do not have to worry about telling the Head, or covering your lessons while down under. Teacher Assistants will do it after they've found out you're gone, at a tenth of your salary. You can calculate expenses by subtracting a month's pay from the price of the Tour.

If you can't manage the maths simply abscond to an Academy School where you won't have to worry about such stipulations thus adding to the scheme's unqualified successes.

All I heard on the grapewhine was that she didn't tell Lord Snooty and her 3 line whip managers until after the event as by then it would have been too late for them to cry over spilt milk. She thought they wouldn't have the bottle to charge her with milking it after having pointed out that they didn't know the price of a pint of milk in the first place.

Lord Snooty commented that it made a change for somebody to live in the Colony before they were convicted reminding those who choose to remain to accept that a Society where the cream rises to the top to be licked by the Fat Cats is not a separatist Society but one in which all are together.

'Convict Colony' or not, the in-house question I want to ask of you is 'Which Tour Operator should be used?'

The Grandstand Group who took us in 2006 included a daytrip to a Rain Forest three days before the Brisbane Test and three years after Tuffers became King of the Jungle. In Adelaide we stayed in the same hotel as the Australian team. We listened to Angus Fraser and Kerry O' Keeffe during a three course meal with unlimited wine or beer.

Four years later we had the very unparliamentary privilege of the company of Former England International wicketkeeper Bob Taylor as the efficient, principled and likeable Tour Manager for The Sporting Traveller.

Gullivers were obvious rivals and we were too grey for the Barmies. Howzat could appeal. Their New Zealand Itineraries looked tempting. As Viper said to Maverick in Top Gun 'There will be others'.

Can you help?

Oh yes. Warners went well. A shame about the Halloween gear I bought as it turned out to be a traditional Turkey and Tinsel week. Boxing Day's Late Night Karaoke (pictured) was a qualified success as were the New Year's Eve Rocket Balloons imported by I.T.I. (UK) Ltd Essex CO2 8HH.

The traditional verbal abuse by Elvis' mate was limited towards the unlucky resident singer who had to follow the Lord Mayor's show (pictured) being told to 'Liven it up a bit' during her Cabaret Spotlight final farewell session.

Ho ho ho.