You read it here first

Go through the archive, if you don't believe it. Pasties got a mention in February, so did a petrol mower. What a pity I didn't feature George Galloway as we all would have made a fortune at his price of winning the seat at 200-1. He did get a sort of mention in 'French and Spanish Cricket for Beginners' in a mix-up between 'Peter and the Dyke', not very appealing Dutch camper vans and Dick Whittington. I won't reproduce the whole sentence as it's still early spring, but the words 'Dick, finger and pussy' combined to raise their ugly heads in Chapter 4. The Sweet Pea? If you are not due to flower until May and you were to emerge in March then you deserve to be highlighted, unlike the purple sprouting broccoli and the rhubarb which just get eaten.

I'm pleased about the defib adverts. Click on to save a life maybe. Her Royal Highness has not yet responded to my e-mail. I did phone Radio 5 Live about it making the point that these defibs should be available to all. The researcher listened and talked in an engaging fashion before stunning me by saying that she had watched her husband die of a heart attack in front of her. That sort of thing shuts an ignorant Semi-ranter like me well and truly up, and after a few of my apologetic mumblings the phone line fortunately was cut off, perhaps because it was Budget Day and there were more Detached ranters in the phone queue, waiting to complain about Stamp Duty.

On 'You and Yours' this week they covered Defibs and whether they should be in all schools. The same arguments were being made. It was good to hear the coverage. There are some brave and dedicated people who despite suffering great personal loss are working hard to get these life savers to become more widely available. However, even though they seem to be attracting great support, one gets the feeling they too are banging their heads against a brick wall. Perhaps if the BBC change the name of their Radio 4 programme to 'One and One's' the Queen may take notice of what is being asked of her by her subjects. Indeed the Duke of Edinburgh could show what a Diamond Geezer could do after a life saving op as part of an opportunity of a lifetime.

Ruby Wednesday

Apologies for no posts lately. I haven't been my usual 110% which is 100% in old money.

Before I start I'd like to pass my condolences to Mervyn Davies' family. I was once introduced to him not long after his heyday in The Glamorgan Arms Pontardulais (sic) by my brother. Mervyn stood up to shake hands towering over me, but still looked me in the eye with the air of the professional but also of a decent man. May he rest in peace.

To explain the accompanying photograph. As boffins will know, last ditch attempts by those who still get TMS on Long Wave to negate the digitalisation of the airways are in full swing. By the time the backlog of ditching analogue catches up with Kent, my sweet pea aerial (pod patent pending) will be tuning into Aggers & co. in Sri Lanka.

Have a last look at the garden hose as this will soon be a thing of the past. Despite my water bill increasing from £690 odd in 2011 to £750 odd this year, and a massive increase in the number of wind farms operating offshore, there has been no equivalent increase in the rate of evaporation of water from the sea, just hot air from the companies. If there has been, it has been transported elsewhere by the not very fair trade winds, leaving us in the South East high and dry and the companies out of their depth.

I know some people don't like Mondays but in my heyday I didn't like playing cricket on Sundays. Our club's Sunday 2nds had a catholic fixture list with several games on some big club pitches. It wasn't league so it was my sort of cricket. Because I didn't like Mondays either I needed a day of vegetation to cope with them. Hence I didn't put my name forward for selection.

I should have negotiated a four day week with Edward Heath so that I could have started work on a Tuesday. Some smart ass will now tell me that Tuesday will become the new Monday, and everybody will feel the same about Tuesdays as they do about Mondays. I don't agree. I've tried to imagine Melanie singing 'Ruby Wednesday', but it doesn't have the same ring to it.

Not that it really matters as our club doesn't play matches on a Monday. There is a Wednesday XI which might be forced in the present climate to play its games on a Thursday. I've got nothing against Thursdays unlike our Local Education Authority which obviously doesn't like Maundys or Thursdays as they made us work on a Maundy Thursday, no doubt to save their pennies and the Queen's shilling. It must be working as our Council Tax only went up by about eight quid which is a drop in the ocean compared to the Monopoly Board money of the water companies.

I'd like to be serious and get something off my Community Chest about the rather premature, in my opinion, statement by American Defence Lawyers while families or what is left of them are still grieving. But I won't as I don't want to be sent to gaol, with a good Chance of getting myself extradited, eh Mr Cameron?