Time to share my toboggan

No response from The Cricket Web yet. Cat got their tongue? I certainly don’t have their ear, but it’s not Felix that has got the ashes, it’s us. Maybe Andrew is continuing to sip their glut of Chardonnay that they can’t rely on us drinking for them any more. At the Lord’s Ashes Test Match they were giving away the stuff at Lunch time which is most unusual as you don’t get many freebies at HQ, discounting newspapers aside. 117-3. Ntini is not the bowler. He’s been retired apparently. Political commentary seemed notable by its absence though I could have missed them if indeed there were any as I’d flicked between TMS and TV. They did eventually say that not having had a Lordship bestowed upon him, Ntini’s only option was to get signed up for Middlesex to play at Lord’s. A missed trick for the powers that be. I think they are allowed to give Honours to overseas people, or is that only if they pay? Tony should know. With South Africa dithering the Queen could have got One to have got one over them. What a Brian Johnston Champagne moment it would have been. Having not honoured one of your own heroes with inclusion in the team one has to act to mark the status of the man. Not that I keep a grudge as you Web wise Aussies know but here’s another blow for your sparkling wine industry. I’ve made an offer that middle order champagne producers will not be able to refuse. What I said was: - Bonjour. Just a suggestion from the author of 'French and Spanish Cricket'. Talk to somebody high up in English Cricket (Not me). There is such a thing as 'The Brian Johnston Champagne Moment', dedicated to the late cricket commentator extraordinaire. What a wonderful gesture it would be for Franco-British relations, not to mention your profits for you to name one of your champagnes 'Brian Johnston' . Best wishes et a bientot.

            Meanwhile the South African batsmen without Snicko and Hot Spot continue to enjoy their benefit match. The Ntini affair was obviously playing on Smith’s mind as he rushed into open the South African innings. Swanny decided to give him a break in the slips as Collingwood was redislocated elsewhere in the field. I hear that England tried to overcome the lack of cutting edge technology by taking advantage of Obama’s friendly overtures to Putin. In Cardiff the Ruskies had used the diplomatic bag carried by the Aussie’s sledging coach as a drop. While Pontin was remonstrating with the England physiotherapist Monty removed the microfilm of Onishchenko’s circuit diagrams that he’d put to effect in the 1976 Olympics from the bag. Offensive fencing outside the off stump wasn’t an offence in those days. According to the secret papers released in the Thirty Seconds rule they tried to wire up the pre-oiled South African bats to resinate if the ball passed within two to three centimetres, thus triggering Snicko and causing a pulse of thermal energy of high enough intensity to conning the heat seeking sensors of Hot Spot into thinking they’d detected a hit. It turns out that the microfilm the Russians passed on contained a clip of the Press sisters breaking in to the Male athlete’s changing rooms so they could go for a piss without being noticed, thus proving the Australian sledging coach had been in contact with the Russians for a good few years and who’d been the one to nick England’s bowling plans. Using a souvenir Dennis Lillee aluminium bat as an aerial their scam only failed as Ntini who had gone into the dressing room the day before the Test Match to pick up his things noticed that his bat was the only one that had not been placed in the newly installed thermo controlled bat stand. It is believed that he was despatched before he could blow the whistle because of the danger of affecting Russian-South African relations, but it was really because he was miffed at not having his bat plugged in to the bat stand even though it had been set up before he had been dropped.

            Coming to England’s rescue was Michael Atherton, already implicated as being the Russian agent’s handler in the absence of Thierry Henry whose alibi was that he was otherwise engaged talking to Tiger Woods’ PR people about the possibility of reviving the Gillette Cup. 131-5. Swanny despite the drop is going for a hat-trick of man of the matches. Michae ‘Penguin’Atherton’s revival of the plan is given clear water credence because of his love of old war films. The idea of dust-in-the-pocketgate came from The Great Escape in which the POWs released the tunnel waste via their trouser pockets to their turn ups. Or was that just for the book? He suggested to the England team to watch The Longest Day. To differentiate between friend and foe the allies were issued with a clicker and so long as you had not landed in a swamp full of surviving croaking frogs you could shoot the respondent if they sounded off. Who’s got the clicker? Not Straussy that’s for sure. What’s that on Collingwood’s finger? No need for hands in pockets. Who’s wearing knee pads? 13 off Swann’s over.  50 to Kallis. We’re not clicking are we?

 We are now. As I return to the radio which I inadvertently turned off while watching Alex Ferguson check that there was at least five minutes added time I hear the name Steyn. 233-6. Is he night watchman for Morkel? Bye Sir Alex, as the ITV lot said you wouldn’t be happy if you had fifteen minutes of non scoring added time. Last ITV interview is it? Hello inscrutable Kallis on 87: he’s the difference. We’d be watching England bat by now if it wasn’t for him. Botham tells us that it is century number 33 in Tests. Eight overs to go; should be perfect for the West Ham – Arsenal game. Then the darts. A sort of Ashes. The Brett Lee look-alike with ponytail and beard against Phil the Power. Goughie was there last night. Let’s hope if the BBC get the Ashes back there won’t be uninspiring coverage as with their darts. Does PD James like cricket? Onions offers them the light by bowling a bouncer. No tears are shed. Tomorrow is another day.

      Today certainly is. That’shallot Kallis. Onions obviously was letting the umpire know that he needed his bed, and would have more of a spring in his step in the morning to run rings around the Batsmen. Three wickets in next to no time, though it was Anderson who really had them taped. Back to reality as Straussy is walzed out without moving his feet outside the off stump, though his new Partner, Trott soon breaks into a canter taking it to 30-1, though strictly speaking Cook is keeping in step. Radio 4 Long Wave listeners missed Trott playing on and Pietersen going for a duck. Radio 4 listeners with Sky TV listened to Headteacher David the Power Gower admonishing the three recently departed batsmen dismissing them to contemplate their schoolboy error dismissals. In similar vein Radio 4 Long wave listeners turned to page 42 in their missals to pray for the souls of the recently departed. I watch Collingwood on Sky crack one through the covers 5 seconds after Geoffrey Boycott oohed and aahed about it on radio 4 Long Wave. Yes it needs saying. I did teach for 35 years to earn the right to enjoy the cricket. So you Radio Five Live ranters slag off somebody else, preferably yourselves, lest ye forget we are still in the season to be jolly with my three wise men Gower, Athers and Hussain just past the lounge door en route to the stable to the right of the widescreen TV, as you look at the cricket. If you are wondering, Botham’s just returning from Cana where he’s drunk the place dry, a situation as with the dismal three from which they did not learn.

            The pundits have got their way. They’ve all wanted Bell to come in at 73-4 to prove his worth, well here he comes. Atherton says the same thing, as it’s only de Kock on the radio. I return to the telly from the garden where as a hunter gatherer I cut and chopped wood for the stove. I’d continued to listen to the cricket but I got the urge to watch the action despite the soothing sounds of the robin providing free to air background in harmony with Geoffrey from their respective territories. Prior has survived the initial deluge, Bell has taken a couple in the balls. All for the Cause. Bell nea…. That’s as close as he got to his 50. A Kallis long hop keeps the jury out. I hope we are not 73-4 again in the second innings just to deliver a swift verdict.

            Duminy comes on. Sky shows members of the jury how Duminy got Prior out last time. There was another Brett Lee - Andrew Flintoff Sporting moment of the year last night. It did involve a Brett Lee look-alike, but not a Freddie double. The double was a bull preceded by two treble twenties. That’s a 170 check out. Unlike so many other sports the achievement was immediately acknowledged for its uniqueness by the opponent. The opponent this time was the bearded Binger applauded by the commentators for reciprocating Freddie’s actions in an equal if opposite way. Will it get the same media attention? I doubt it. Taylor had become World Champion with another high checkout for the 15^th time and I didn’t see his name in the Honour’s list, nor did he make the BBC Sports Personality of The Year Award. In fairness he’s no Zara Phillips but then again Georgie Best was no Princess Anne.  It will go down in the annals of history as seen by  on TV by Sid Waddell. You’ve heard of sledging he said, referring to the original Binger and the boys not occasional on field sayings. This, he said, was more like a sharing a Toboggan. I would go further to suggest that for an Aussie to engage in such behaviour must be as unusual as a Jamaican Bob Sleigh team successfully negotiating the Canadian equivalent of the 10 banked bends of the Cresta Run. 226-7. Steyn again. 65 behind. New Ball approaching. Taken. Later than Botham imagined. Prior gets his 50. We trail by the same amount.

            And what do we learn this morning  boys about your batting technique? Well I’d say it doesn’t end after you’ve made the shot. Clearly first and foremost be aware. ‘Where’s your foot? Don’t be stumped or run out on a reaction bit of fielding ‘Is there a run?’ Don’t get run out and look to your calling and bear in mind you’ve got a partner down the other end who may run you out or get run out. Nothing new there Coach. ‘But what we add to the list of reminders from batting this morning is don’t walk away showing your disgust at an appeal, as the umpire will reward your apparent honesty with a finger. Furthermore when you are plumb out, shaking your head just makes you look a twat in Botham’s eyes. Lunch time. I look out the window. Time to share my toboggan. “Most of us would say that to hurtle voluntarily through 10 banked bends at a speed of up to 60mph, while lying head-first on a heavy steel toboggan with your nose three inches off the ice, is tantamount to complete insanity.”  Okay, point taken. Back to practising slagging off the Aussies.

Me and B prepare for A

Be warned Cricket Web. French and Aussie Cricket is about to be relaunched, with Me and B visiting your shores in November/ December.  A couple of questions. Have they finished Brisbane yet? They were still building it last time. Is it true that the Gabba stewards are being trained in Iran? One of the tour companies I have been in touch with told me that they used a better class of hotel than the tour company we used last time. Could you tell me where the Aussie team intend to stay in Adelaide in 2010 so we can avoid slumming with them again.  Like some of your innings, and none of your bowlers this is only a quickie, just for u to savour what's to come.  Oh yes, are the Fish and Chips just as good at Sam's place in Glenelg as they were last time, by George? I've attached a picture on a tile of Pontin getting out in Brisbane. It's worth straining your bit of a neck to get a proper look. I'll be ordering a full set of his dismissals from the same artiste, but I won't be feeding the seagulls

Best wishes

Mike K. 

PS. If you want to work out Gravesend Vs' fixtures for 2010 here they are:- 

     We start off, Darling with the first Buds of May at the most haunted village in England. There is a plate to commemorate it, but unfortunately it is in the head of their main bowler. We are yet to get a fixture for the following week. There are 2 possibilities. The first is against Ben William’s uncle’s team on the Isle of Oxney near where we used to play the Gerrybuilders and Geriatrics. The venue is a mixture of James Bond’s boss and the content of his toilet flushings (They can’t all be easy or clean!). The 2^nd possibility for that date or the 31^st July which is the only other Saturday on which we haven’t yet got a fixture is a tour in the direction of Sunrise before a film with an offer you can’t refuse. (No it’s not the Godfather, it’s the one whose namesake hung out with the Argonauts). Of course his Identity is secret, that’s the whole idea of this. None of this town’s teams have confirmed a fixture yet, so the cricket may be of the beach variety. The Ides of May see us where you get a hundred followed by a snobby game of Whist, the bottom line of which is that it is a game for dummies. On the 22^nd of May we play the team that are easy to beat on paper but who always win when you try to cut them up. On May 29^th we are aboard a group of warships sailing after 007’s boss’ successor.

       The first Saturday in June gives us a ride down memory lane on THE WONDER STONE TRAM with a Learner Driver. Fed up already! It’s only the 12^th of June and we are by the sea where we eat the best of oysters pursued by a paid up group of ladies in their final throes of pregnancy. On June 19 we head towards SE London where only felines can cross the stream by paw cojoined with the writings on the wall but like codes and Banksy’s graffitti are written in secret.

     On the last Saturday of June we go near to where ‘Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells’ drinks in ‘The Nevill, Crest and Gun’. It’s the pub opposite the entrance to the ground but it sounds more like a firm of solicitors.

            The first Saturday of July is a repeat of May 15^th. To clarify which team we play as there is more than one team in this town, this particular one has the sort of followers who can help you out if you get lost in a very large wood, and share the skills and crafts of the players of the last fixture of the season.

            Like the BBC the 5ths have a number of repeats. Mike will be spending his birthday where he was on June 5^th. The Pub they go to after the game is ‘The Bush, Blackbird and Thrush’. If the previous pub did remind you of a firm of solicitors what does ‘Bush, Blackbird and Thrush remind you of? You should be ashamed of yourself! All are welcome to the bash at the bush, by the way.

            On Saturday 17^th July we are at the Horticultural Research Station eating rather than blowing raspberries. The following week we are down The Pilgrim’s Way. The opposition like us are a bit over the Hill. Their decline is next to Bluebell ours is more terminal.

            The last Saturday of July is the second date for those yet to be filled in fixtures. Into August then starting with the same Sunrise direction as before whose second part’s namesake is followed by a ground which is always freezing, even though it is no further North than Birmingham.

            You’d get told off if you pronounced this 14^th of August village as it is written. It subsumes next week’s venue (which is where we played on the 17^th of May) together with the 7^th successor to Bond’s boss. So we’re up to the 28^th of August to visit Gordon Brown’s party lot again WITH TABLES on the forecourt.

            It’s September already and we are visiting another Buds of May village, Darling, made from the only place where 007’s boss’ successor might have made love to Miss Moneypenny.

The penultimate week of the season with the kind permission of Gravesend CC means we are not staying in The Shearings Majestic Seafront Hotel as we hope to on tour. That having been said we are more at home with B&B. The opposition as we said before are over the Hill and are not exactly Kent, but we hope they put on a good Kent Show. The following week, the 18^th of August is the last game of the season. It is deep in Robin Hood’s Forest just down the Road where the Maurice boys were brought up.

         What do you mean I’ve got too much time on my hands? It could have been worse, it could have been one of those circular letters that appear about now telling us about little Doris who has just achieved her level nine in her violin exams despite her still being three months away from being born and how her brother Big Dom is considering whether to become a tax exile as he’s done so well in the city where he managed to untie his bonds and shed his investments that they recommended to us in last year’s letter. All this written under gaslight fuelled from a plumbed in cow which has been encouraged to belch methane gas into the central heating boiler by the Australian cricket team’s sledging, good manners and after dinner speaking coach, Sir Leslie Patterson.

 

French and Spanish Cricket

Enfin and le Dauphin. My book French and Spanish Cricket has finally been published. It is listed on Amazon and you can see a picture on Barnes & Noble.com. You know the sort of garbage I write, so treat yourself for Christmas. PS The missus is the star of the book so that's why I have used the same photo! PPS Please buy the book in your hundreds so I can go to watch England play New Zealand in March. OK thousands, so I can take the missus. You can read the synopsis on booksonboard.com. I'm not trying to make a fortune. I'm trying to find out who was it who allegedly invented the googlie instead of Bosie. See page 160.

Suns of Cricket, son

Hardly after the Lord Mayor's show Flintoff comes on to bowl. We may have a stroll before the sun goes down. Too late as le soleil disparued behind a cloud quicker than Flintoff's balls. 92 mph. 36-4. I think it is Mark Poucatch who comes on. He brings up the demi streaking ladies. Midnight. No the highlights not the twilights. Come on! Or was it Dexy's Midnight Runners?

Mark P keeps us well informed during the drinks break. A stroll around the block gets us back just before the light goes. A first swallow of local cidre precedes Alec Stewart as Summariser. Discontentedly Aggers Springs into action and opens up like he used to do as a bowler by telling us that there is a drop of rain in the air. As yet no umbrellas, he points out, are up in it as no rain has begun to Fall. 59-4.

The 'round the block' was from our group of maisons past le Richardais to Chosel where one of the houses has a pretty big fishing lake that again the boys would have relished. Back up the D149 and back to the cricket. I feel refreshed after the walk. Refreshed enough to drink the rest the cidre doux, with the missus also refreshing herself with her fair share. It is or was after the missus got hold of it. Cidre Artisanal Breton to be precise. 69-4. As with the missus they are well behind. You should have batted Dravid. Du Pays de la Gacilly to be preciser. Dravid hits a six. He must have been aware of the concerns being expressed by TMS. Elabore et mis en bouteille par Jean-PaulSouchet in St- Martin/Oust to be precisest.

There are more concerns from Stewie and Aggers. Indians don't play cricket at night. Where have I heard that before? Sundown? No that was the 'when'! These Indians don't in the freezing cold anyway. It's Arlo White not Mark P. Le cidre is La Ruaudaie which I forgot to say in my precision. It is delicious. The missus thinks it is less chemical than the Supermarche one which will of course remain nameless as well as demi tasteless.

The doux we are drinking won a Medaille de bronze from the ministrere de l'Agriculture et de la peche at the Concours General Agricole in Paris 2007. Flintoff deserves a silver as he's just got Dhoni out. Dhoni deserves a gold as he walked after gloving the ball down the leg side. He was correctly given not out by Billy the Doc when England appealed the ball before. Mat Prior begins his rehab as he catches Dravid again down the leg side. Pride may well come before a fall, but it is what comes after that matters. Ask Foinavon.

Mascerenas is the bowler. Sunil is easy to listen to, as he was to watch when he batted. Two helpings of Famous Five proportions, no not Lashings - that's a cricket team back in Kent - go to prove that the missus deserves gold as well. She'll have to manage with a bit of gold top in her cocoa. It's all I can think of without being rude, Auric, I mean Arlo.

Aggers tells us that half the crowd has gone home. See we are all affected by the cold, even with Global warming. TMS seem to be losing interest. Day nighters probably don't fit in with their digestive patterns. I'm not surprised as it's half past ten here, French time.

Two fours in the last couple of minutes following some prior demi shenanagins. It probably explains where the missing half has gone. Where's the missus come to that? Another demi bottle bites the dust. I didn't hear her pop the cork, and she promised to reciprocate mine in town earlier today. Aggers thinks it is to avoid the traffic. More likely, say I, that they would have gone off to find some Jelly Beans to liven up proceedings.

A daft run out of Agarker tries to help. 131-7. Next match is Vendredi. Another day nighter Aggers informs us, with 10 overs still to go in this one. Suits me with such good reception here. Subs on. Who's off? Have they gone home too? A hat-trick of run outs. It's a two horse three legged race. India 145-8. Alec calls it a schoolboy run out. A schoolboy awoler! Almost a six, but as Stewpot said all is now lost. 154-8. Arlo says the series is 3 weeks long which is longer than our holiday. Zaheer Khan hits a six. 168-8. 7 minutes before they ring the tunes of fining time. There are those who feel they should be clamped. 606 E-Mailers would suggest putting a ball and chain on a player for every five minutes of delay. Hit them where it hurts. On the ankle!

Another six for Zaheer. Off Monty this time. Ten past eleven for us. Serious stuff this for us as only the morning offers sunshine. A 'four for' for Anderson. RP Singh. though it was almost RIP after his first ball. 183-9. 4-23 according to Malcolm, who Alec referred to as Malcolm Ashton. 4 balls left. 184-9. RP got bowled by Monty. Finis, enfin, Dauphin, Dolphin.

Flipper, it's Friday. Back to cricket. I've missed it. Thank goodness for day nighters. There would be still loads of play to go. Now what about the state of it? 329-6 they got. That sounds loads. What are we? We were 76-2. Prior made 33, Cookie 36. Pietersen is in, no he isn't , he's out! It sounds like a Shane Warne/Mike Gatting moment. The young 18 year old leg spinner Chowdra ? got him 'Through the gate with the googlie' as TMS said. They didn't seem sure at first. It was a super ball. Was he caught? Was he stumped ? No he was bowled. 134-3 becomes 156-3 by the time I've written all this. 173 more to win.

We were very carbon friendly today. Push bikes by the canal. Fishing with no catches. €10 menu, beer, wine and coffee. The missus did a lot of texting while my line drifted. Her best friend at primary school is over here for a couple of days. We almost met them today, but tomorrow will be better all round. No cricket to miss. 163-3 becomes 171-3. Tendulkar was unlucky to be given out on 99 they said. Chowla has got Collingwood. 176-4. Jack Russell is commentating. His bark may be worse than his bite, but he didn't get himself into a hole. Flintoff got five for in the India innings. We'll see how he bats.

First ball goes for four. That's how he bats. 188-5. Freddie caught on the boundary for 9. That's how he bats. Next match is Monday. We will be travelling to the next bit of Britanny. Bhopara. The next batsman not the next part of Brittany. 205-5. Justin Langer is summarising, talking about barbeques. Did we see him in Australia? I'll check with the boy. Bhopara is out for 17. Lbw.
Hey Mascarenas. Bell's on 54. 233-6 as I drift in and out of sleep. Six for Bell after Aggers calls him one dimensional. He's out next ball. I think it came at him from a different angle. 240-7. Broad. 88 to win off 45 balls. Six for Mascarenas. 4 leg byes. 253-7. 77 from 40 balls. Another six. and another one. He's making Hay while the sun shines. If only! 265-7. Broad plays the wider supporting role and gets the single. 64 from 35. M gives it back again. Keeps it with a two. 60 from 30. Simon Mann is on. Broad gets a single. 55 off 4 overs. Almost 14 an over.

Mascarenas keeps us interested with another six, and ups it by adding another one; 40 to win off 16 balls. That's a lot of boundaries. Two overs. Only 19 an over. 4, ( 50 for Mascarenas), .,1,if they don't score a boundary this ball it will need a boundary every ball. It's a no ball which screws my figures. England are screwed anyway, but we are totally skewered as M is out. 300-8. 30 off the last over.

Where are Gary and Hertchill when you need them? This is before Yuvrav and besides he's playing for the opposition, and although Broad will eventually be beside himself he isn't now and he is batting not bowling. A six from him, nevertheless. 4 more will do nicely. 20 off 4 balls. 20 off 3. 14 off 2. They could only beat us by 2. A four. Only 10 off the last ball. Missed it. Not to worry. There's always Monday, as opposed to Tuesday. I hear it's a day day game. Night night.

Pressing Cricket Matters

15-0 as Cook gets the first four and the missus brings me a cup of tea. We are back from a map buying visit to Redon. We took ages to get there. We didn't have a map. The man in the Presse shop told us that it will rain until Thursday and that a good place to eat was the green restaurant down the road. The mademoiselle told us to come back in a demi heure.

As we had an hour to spare we went into the church to get out of the rain, like my parents and a few millions of others used to do in Ireland. In all this time of writing England have only got one further run 'in the gloom of the Rose Bowl with the floodlights on.' There was a bloke playing the organ ( In the church not the Rose Bowl! These days it is hard enough to bring in a trumpet voluntarily ) which gave the church an atmosphere belying its 11th century feel. ( More oxygen, less carbon dioxide, a tad more nitrogen and the rest in methane, due to farting out loud and running up to tap the nearest candlestick saying ' How's that for corkers.' being more commonly acceptable in those days. We lit a candle with a tapir as is the norm aujourd'hui. Just me mum and dad this time as all others are thankfully well.

The mademoiselle turned out to be of the English variety. She was from Bromley and had moved in to the restaurant business with her fiancee after negative experiences with teaching here in France. She had studied in Bangor where the missus had gone to college. I drank more wine than I should have while they reminisced. The steak frites was or were fine, the missus was not sure of the chicken curry. More Vesta than the Patak we are used to. C'est la vie avec Sag Aloo.

Prior hits a six just as I'm about to snide on him as an opener. More chicken chat between him and Zaheer, but no doubt not the sort of exchanges that the Bangor Belles engaged in. The missus had to drive back to the gite as I would have been over the limit. England are 40 with out loss.

165-1 as I come to. Belly and Cooky. Oceans of overs left. 199-1. Alec Stewart summarizes. 201 -1. They are freezing. End of the over. A four takes Cooky to 99. He gets it. His first century in ODIs. 222-2. Aggers refers to it as a Double Nelson. No wrestling jokes as you can't get a Half Nelson in cricket. In years to come HMS Associations will be more Mandela than Horatio, though hopefully never Andre or 'Ly The Elephant. Malcolm gives us the facts of Cooky's innings. Bill has retired from international one dayers (IODs) just like international cricketers have to doers one day.

Unlike International cricketers are supposed to do one of the Indians mis fields for a roasting. Stewart and Aggers don't spot that he did it on purpose as he was so cold. 230-2. It isn't cold here but it is grey and wet. I'm waiting for Pietersen or Bell to slice one. Not that I expect them to as B has got his eye in and P is too good. I only want it to occur as the missus has found a useful word in tranche which she wants to use in future markets. B gets his hundred. P almost gets a six. Neither is a tranche.

Five overs to go. I'll make a stew Stew as the 250 comes up, It's the chicken in the round carcass that we got at the market yesterday,along with the Fresh veg. We bought cinq bouteilles de local cidre doux for just over €2 a bottle. 'Local' being St Martin sur Oust. Within cycling distance if the weather clears, I get the gears sorted and we finish the five said bottles. I don't know why I told you all this Stew as you went off air just before I began. I wonder who will be on between innings. I hope I don't cause them a tear or two as I slice, sorry tranche up the onions.

Bell comes off Nelson with a single. Suddenly it's 269. Two overs to go. I'm looking forward to chopping up the onions. Not because I'm maudlin. It's because we have bought one of those small vegetable knives as we always do in the first French market we visit. Bell finally slices one. He gets a four next ball but then tranches one for two to go to 221. I hear the missus bemoaning the weather as she turns on the French telly. I hear the double chop chop of the speedy knife, as TMS tells me that the Shipping Forecast will come on as soon as the last ball is bowled. 287-2. Last ball. Only one. I'll listen out for Finistere. Shannon? Have I missed it? I must have. It can't be on it any more. Most said rain. Victor goes. No he's still there. Who was Simon?

There is an Isle Aux Pies just down the road. More magpies than poor bowling. Warney would be welcome there for his heritage rather than his cricketing abilities. We might go for a tranche when the weather improves. By the time I get the radio on the missus has seen three 'Weathers' all of which emphasize cloud rather than sun for a few days. It's back to Friday before they reverse. I've cleaned and scraped the potatoes and carrots, lest they feel out of it.

'Tout la Sport' belies its title and says nothing about the cricket. Well what do you expect? 'French and Spanish Cricket hasn't yet been published. There's a programme on tomorrow night that mirrors our old 'Treasure Hunt'. I didn't quite get the name. It was something 'Treasure'. It follows the same trusted format. A pair of buttocks and a helicopter. We'll be clueless as with our version but it won't stop me following the bot, I mean plot.

The missus is good at getting us around here, by sticking closely to the signs, as you can see by the photo so she'll be able to nudge me every now and then like Kenneth Kendall used to do if I get a bit lost. She finally switched off when a sort of 'French Neighbours' came on.

27-2 when I turn on radio 4. Aggers gets a bit of stick about a past 'A View from the Boundary' with Frederick Forsyth. He was reminded by Victor as 'The Day of the Jackal' is on BBC 1 ce soir. Too late for us even if we could get BBC on our French telly. Victor got told off for stirring it up. 'A barrel of laughs.' Aggers recalled. I can recall listening to it but I can't remember laughing like a hyena.

Aggers homes in on some streakers and got some more stick as Victor said that they had bikinis on. They didn't go onto the field of play. By the sound of it Aggers will be off soon to get a different view from the boundary. I take back all I said about not missing live cricket on the telly. Despite TMS's best efforts over the years Cricket is still a visual game. Tendulkar brings the lie to that by getting caught by Bopara, as a sunset appears in a gap in the clouds like the gap on the leg side that Tendulkar thought he had. If this is a day night game what time are the highlights at home? Soon by the sound of it as Cook catches Youvraj.

We got the Sunday papers on the ferry so I can look to find out and send the boy a text. Victor proving the point I made earlier said that the only thing that Cook did wrong was to look surprised. Victor Hugoes on to tell us that if the next ball was a dot ball it would be a double wicket maiden for Anderson. It wasn't and so it wasn't. What you miss 'Tout la Sport'. What you miss!

Cricket services

Can't be bad, we have settled at the Gite in Brittany, with the news of Hayley's pregnancy confirming that we are able get radio 4, which means that I'll be able to listen to the one dayers or twenty 20's which ever it is on Tuesday, always Tuesday, on good old long wave.

How will digital balls up my future cricket listening? If a DAB clock radio gets recommended by 'Which' what sort of service will I get? Will I be able to listen to 'The Morning Service' if I stay in bed, and will I be able to pick up 'World Service' when I go to bed early on a Sunday night when there's only boring ranting mind numbing phone ins on 5 and educational bollocks on 4? How will the world receive World Service abroad when we go digital? Will we sell them short?

I can hear you now Aggers, even though I haven't got a radio on. Broadband, mobile phone, digital TV channels. Well at the moment Aggers, I am sitting in the Gite's back garden watching the twilight go down on me hoping that the missus would follow suit. Just like with the missus, two buttons and a twirl and I'm there on my Nancy Roberts radio. No seriously folks, no dial ups, log ins, passwords, memory cards, downloads or pod casts. Yes I know reception is everything, and I know you think that if I was not receiving due to poor signals I'd be fuming about the lack of the digitalis variety and admitting that what I said earlier when I was venting my spleen and stoking up trouble was just a smokescreen. I don't care if I am fueling the raging controversy as I've carefully thought out an analogurythmic answer that will clear the airways of dross and extend in true British Empirical fashion the shipping forecast to the rest of the world.

Like Labour became New Labour, Long Wave would become Longer wave, and the shipping forecast would reach further shores (or just off them). Thus weather reports would go to all 11 or is it 12 or 13 Oceans of the world. What a Service? In addition the rest of the world will benefit from the ruminations of Blowers and his birds, not to mention those of Eddie Grundy and his cows, and we all know that the world will be a better place for that. E-mailers who would tell me that Eddie doesn't own any cows should be reminded that the birds don't belong to Blowers either. We already extend the forecast to some extent as the informative brochures in the gite tell us that Finistere is a region of Brittany and I've heard that being mentioned in previous forecasts.


Up bright and early. English time at least. I see they haven't lost that hour yet. We have! We've overslept. It's 9.30 and the missus is on the itch to get to the market at Redon. I was on the itch to get on something else, but needs must. On y va and I'll look for mal y pense later on. People have said that Brittany is just like Cornwall. Sure enough as soon as we stepped out of the door it started to rain. Never mind le buzzcocks we are on our vacances. At least we wouldn't get soaked in the rain fiddling with the key unlike previous occupants who wrote in the comments book that 'la porte est juste une peu dure a ouvrir.' as I WD'd it.

According to all who have been here the gite has come out with flying colours. 'C'est un gite que nous recommendenons sans hesiter a notre famille et a nos amis.' Moi aussie mate , moi aussie. That's aussie as in 'also' not Aussie as in antipodean, Osborne or Clark come to that. We set off to Redon and I waved at the first French farmer we saw who stared back incredulously. Before I had a chance to pass comment to the missus we almost hit the second one head on. We had forgotten to sing' Always drive on the right side of the road' to the tune of 'Always look on the bright side of life.' Thankfully neither of us were driving fast. He waved in the same vein as I had to the first one. The missus said that I had poo pooed the idea of getting one of those things that plug into the cigarette lighter that tell you to drive on the right. It was almost her turn to pooh pooh herself this time, but luckily our guardian angels were about and we survived to tell the tale.

We do it every time we go to France. We like a traditional holiday. Hopefully this will be the last time though I don't mean that in a terminal sense. It's a shame you can't plug in your guardian angel into the cigarette lighter as maybe they would have coughed up the information a little earlier. We contacted 'Which' to see whether we could borrow a Sat Nav to test out in Europe, but they must have lent them all out already. If I do get one I'll look for a feature that gives out various warnings. You know like 'Remember your wellies, you are going to Brittany' and 'Have you got clean underwear on now?' The boys should have come. There are fishing places all around as per usual in France. They could have bivvied five minutes away and fished all night. A carte de peche for a 15 day period is €30 which isn't bad as a day's permit is €10.

We cycled up and down the Oust or Arz (Wasn't he a golfer?) looking for spots for me to fish, Blowers to bird and for the missus to yak, read her book, write the postcards and paint the scene for posterity. No good now as the rain doth fall, the ink and paint would run, the cricket would be off and it wouldn't be just the squid who would be damp. No King pairs, King Fishers, Fisher Kings, King prawns, King Kong (I'm reading a book too) or anything fucKing else!

French and Spanish Cricket at the seaside

Look out one and all. The cricket book to beat all cricket books is not far away.I'd love to say from all good bookshops, but we will have to see about that. The publishers have done a fantastic cover design, and I've done the proof reading. It's a tale of events, rantings and crickety thoughts that occurred as we drove to Spain through France as England played South Africa in late July 2003. Similar thoughts cropped up in Spain a year later, but were eventually torn apart and swept away by that terrifying Tsunami as I was watching England taking their turn in South Africa on Boxing Day. I'll keep you informed about its progress, but it won't be long now. We played Crowhurst on Saturday. It was miles to go for a game, but it was well worth it. A winning draw, a delicious tea, two wickets including a caught and bowled to die for. Back just in time to see Kent win the Twenty 20 final . Matthew Walker, Gravesend boy done well got 45 and plaudits from the pundits.

One of the Crowhurst guys said that the last time he played against Gravesend was in the seventies. He was playing for Bromley. He said that in the team was Graham Dilley and Stuart Waterton. The photo above shows what's happened to the cricketer I would have really liked to have played with. The photo was taken at Glenelg just down the tram line from Adelaide. I told the bloke who bowled well for Crowhurst that I played indoor cricket with Stuart and Dave Nichols. The Sky lot were pleased that Kent had Kent people playing for them. There's future guys too. Some of the young uns who were in the Shrimpers only two seasons back are now in the firsts, and one is captain of Kent under something or others. They were always given a good game by us, as were all youngsters. You do feel part of it, as we did on Saturday. As I said it was a lovely trip all round. Across country to avoid the M25 traffic, through Meopham, The Hop Farm, Paddock Wood, Matfield which were my old haunts when I was a visiting teacher for hearing impaired children. Bewl water, which was where we went for fishing holidays with the kids. Finally historic Battle, before homing in on Crowhurst. If we get a fixture with them again next year, I'll see if the missus fancies fish and chips in Hastings and make a weekend of it. She can read my book on the beach. After all she's the star of it.