Past Dreams of Cricketing Reality

This was written in 2006. Admittedly it was an account of a dream reported in French and Spanish Cricket now to be found as French and Spanish Cricket for Beginners on Amazon. But the game was set in Sri Lanka. Scary or what? The book has already put the mockers on a number of celebs and institutions. I'm afraid to read it again. Are you? Well you should have read it in the first place. Read on:-
We were all out for 51. I didn’t face a ball, but unlike the two previous wickets to fall I didn’t turn my back until we all had to walk back to the pavilion. The writing was on the wall after the first two overs. They were 41-1. The only wicket to fall was where I caught one of their openers first ball at the deepest of deep fine legs.

The captain who’d been fiddling with his ear since the end of the second over came over and tossed me the ball. I dropped it. The batsman who was going to face laughed out loud. I’ve never sledged anybody in my life not even on the iciest of conditions. I didn’t intend to start now. The wicketkeeper was that waiter that I’d introduced to the club.

I walked past the batsman with disdain. ‘Remember that bloke who was stumped off a wide when you played for the Shrimpers? I asked him. He nodded. ‘Well he had a fat ass like this one and we can’t afford another over.’ I went back to my mark and bowled wide of it. In his attempt to reach it and still hit it out of the ground the batsman with the fat ass toppled over and was stumped.
I bowled the next bloke first ball. ‘You aint going to face another ball.’ I told the non-striker who’d got most of the runs.

Just to prove the point I knocked the middle stump of their number five out of the ground. The next ball didn’t leave my hand. He was half way up the wicket before I reached the stumps. I stopped and hovered with the ball just over the bails. ‘Cheats won’t prosper.’ I said. ‘Take this as a warning.’ He went up to talk to the new batsman. I let the umpire know and went back to my mark.

This time the batsman facing set off before I bowled. Unfortunately for him not only did it miss the wicket but this time it was me that had overstepped the mark. The wicketkeeper who was now standing back ran him out. The non striker had heeded the warning; this time he hadn’t even followed up and they didn’t cross. ‘Still here then?’ I said hoping he was a bigger arse than the one I’d had stumped. He was.

I set the trap. I moved square leg slightly behind making it three behind on the leg side. I saw him wink at his own umpire at square leg. He suspected another run out on a no ball. He had every intention of not being run out. Even I was getting irritated by my final field adjustments. Once again he set off way before I got there with his tunnel vision looking only toward the leg side fielders. ‘I’ve warned you once!’

I could have said as I flicked the bail off.’ Why don’t you learn to play within the laws.’ All I said was ‘Howzat’. The umpire nodded in that Batistuta self righteous way as if the judgement of Solomon had just been delivered. Of course nothing had been delivered, so we were back on track with four balls to go and four wickets to fall. In circumstances like that you can’t leave things to chance, so I had two bowled and two caught and bowled.

The Greenhouse Effect and April Fools

I intended to venture into the garden to get on with three jobs. The first was to carry on with planting the seed potatoes. Mine are Charlottes but she doesn't mind sharing. The second was to continue with the dead heading of the daffodils so we can have another show of daffs next year. Before you complain about the less than arduous nature of the task, it is accompanied by the planting out of the potted ones with lines of clumps of transplanted snowdrops in the green in the green (To be sung to the tune of Off [sic]To Dublin In The Green-The Dubliners). The third task of more biblical proportions would have been putting up a rescued greenhouse next to the present one(To be whistled to the theme of Twin Peaks).

Three things saved me. First and foremost (another seed potato described as cooks well, with a firm and waxy flesh when young, going slightly floury when reaching maturity, which sounds to me like Charlotte) the warning about not doing any strenuous exercise outside because of the pollution. Secondly I needed to reflect on and like Charlotte share my reactions to yesterday's April Fools. Thirdly I cannot resist responding to requests for reviews on my recent purchases through Amazon.

In reverse order then. It seems I am a reviewer of Amazon Kindle Touch Leather..., (I know it is stereotypical of me but I hate being labeled) can you help this fellow customer?
RON S. asked
"will it fit kindle d01100" . Sadly and ashamedly I don't know what a d01100 is. By the time I got around to attempt to say this, it seems that the discussion had ended anyway. Pity! It had potential, which is the sort of energy you're okay to use in these polluted times rather than moving on to the kinetic variety. If you think I'm ranting tune in to Radio 5 live at 9 on a weekday morning.

My review of the greenhouse glazing spring clips was as follows :- Zinc perhaps but more useful than Sterling or Kate, the Moss that kept most of the glass panes in place during the storms. However that Spring Clean found that some of the spring glazing clips had rusted with the sacrificial zinc having unexpectedly laid down its life after 30 years. The efficient and speedy delivery will enable me to replace them before the next high winds descend upon us like a Saharan dust storm. Luckily I haven't started yet as I need to clean the glass now as the plants in the cold greenhouse are not used to Desert conditions.

As for the overlap clips:- Simplicity itself.I love the way that the panes of glass slot into these clips. It is an art in itself. What pleasure!-like sucking the juice from the ice of a Clippo.The ones I removed from the old greenhouse were made of lead and although you that's me can bend them into position we that's you do need to think of our lead free environment so we that is we can leave room for all the other pollutants that we that is us are pumping out or is it in?

I felt a lot better after writing these reviews as I have always wanted to do something about about the declining state of the Amazon rain forest. Although I'm too modest to say it myself it bodes well for my intention to buy a wood burning stove that is self DEFRAcating.

Neither of my April Fools texts got the response I was looking for. Was I fooled by the article in The Times on how Statins can improve my love life? Whether true or not my texts said that after reading the article I had phoned up the doctor to complain that the surgery had not got back to me on my high level of naughty cholesterol and that if it wasn't for the fact it was Lent the missus would be seriously missing out. (Only joking, family).

So much for my textual relationships.Not that I would make such a phone call of course as I wouldn't want to extend the appointment queue in the 'Safe in our hands, you must be joking it's more like your hands in our safe NHS' or do anything to compromise the privacy of the Duke of Hazard when he next cuts the cuts-queues by being helicoptered to the back door of an A&E.

Posting a spoof parking ticket on a past neighbour visiting present neighbours didn't work either. She drove all the way to Wales with it on the windscreen. It was her husband who found it today so he couldn't continue the April Fool by giving her a bollocking as he doesn't want seven years of bad luck. I mean Lent is long enough.

I'm feeling bad about not going out in the garden but I might stick to my guns. We are still worried about the effects of that Radioactive cloud from Chernobyl that went over us on a sunny day in April 1986 when our less than one year old son was in the very same garden. I think we downed some potassium iodide tablets, or was it bromide? I'll check with the missus. She bought them.

That reminds me. I'd better take my vitamin C tablet with Zinc to accompany the other Russian rare earth exports that Charlotte may have picked before I go out into the rarified atmosphere that is described by the meteorologists as a rare event. Maybe I'll double dig the next rows of Charlottes. If I Keel over at least I'll have dug my own plot. Go for it. I feel in the pink. Oh by the way what do you think of the missus' new Reservoir Dogs sunglasses? (pictured) You can't say 'She should have gone to Specsavers' as that's where she got them from.

It's still a Funny Old Game

5ths 2013 Captains report

Ably captained by Beezy who once again lead by example as our top wicket taker, but only by one wicket from Hans who as a quality fielder and a steadily improving batsman must be now a signing for higher teams. The small print in his contract however must exclude his mother from accompanying him as she is the most valuable person in our team as scorer, and who is well on the way in establishing an orchid nursery. To top her up......

The contract does apply to her other son Mittens who found his form this season which was a huge bonus for us. As Mittens works for Network Rail he will be well used to huge bonuses. Mind you he's more likely to be playing for Dawlish CC than for us with Prime Minister Cameron's idea of press ganging Network Rail employees to become railway sleepers to prop up the country's failing transport infrastructure. Mr Cameron will then fulfil his current dream of being associated with this country's three most brilliant civil engineers Isambard, Kingdom & Brunel.(Pictured; look closely)

The highest scoring batsman was Sox getting over 400 runs with Fingerless, Daffs & Tiny all with small print in their contracts, scoring over 200 runs each. In fact many of our matches this season were high scoring games, with us batting first which was rarely the case in previous seasons.

Mark and Spencer both bowled extremely well and would more than hold their own in higher teams. Don't forget the invite next weekend to go round to their place to dine in for two. Metty, Ten Bears & Sam Sung all showed ability and were a pleasure to have in the side when they played for us, as were the younger colts when they weren't in a rush to get to the Chippy in Meryl Street after the game. A special thanks to Metty who has that ability only available to a select few to get players on a Saturday morning to replace any Friday night drop outs.

The odd guest along with stalwarts like Brace Hamnel, Moro Tamsin, Ricky Peters and Brian Beloved added wickets, runs, catches and enjoyment to help make us a team of cricketers as did Captain- no less- Delirious Phillips ex- Port of London Authority.

Like your good selves, no doubt, Captain Phillips heard the rumour that our esteemed Chairman in order to help pay for the work on the square is to encourage and to charge the local community to spread the ashes of their recently departed onto the square, thus at a stroke, for example, putting both heart and soul into the club and deadening the high bounce on the new strips by adding a bit of body into the soil.

1st team captain Shearman Capote is in favour as he hopes that this will improve his bowlers' performance when bowling at the death and there is a general feeling that training will be better attended as such work should help turf out players from their usual haunts. Captain Phillips' mentor, localish Bourne boy Paul Greengrass has a protective film in mind for the early stages of the work to act as a sort of Legbeforeacy.

As Rex George a previous Hon Sec would have said 'Captain Phillips with his knowledge of bburials at CCs' has kindly offered this advice from the PLA's policy on the 'Scattering of Ashes in the Tidal Thames' which he says would ensure empathy, respect, clarity, reassurance and a bit of iron into the Constitution. And I quote:-

The Port of London Authority does not have any particular rules on the scattering of ashes into the tidal Thames but we do request that you do not scatter them from bridges. This is because the tidal Thames is a busy commercial river and there is a strong possibility of scattering your loved ones ashes onto a passing boat.


Our advice is to find a suitable and safe location of your choosing, ideally this location is not busy and we would suggest a quiet time of the day when you carry out the scattering. Please ensure that you retain the container. (Good advice that Ivo Bligh took on in 1883 for a different sort of Ashes). Another good earner as it turned out.

Talking about Ash. Not to be outdone by his teammate, our very own Dee Gears has reminded Beezy that September 19th is 'Talk like a Pirate day' and all participants should continue to act accordingly for the game against Dustings CC on the 20th.

As league fixtures are over by that time, league players topping up the 5ths should restrict themselves to the following sledges:-
As the opposition come out onto the field:-

"Well me hearties let's see what's crawled out of the bung hole"
To the tea lady:- "I wouldn't feed that bilge to a scurvy dog ye barnacled bottomed scabby sea bass "
To their umpire:- "That was plumb you weevil eating son of a harbour hog"
To their opening bat:- "Do you want the first ball amidships, your timbers shivered or your lillies livered ye yellow bellied salty swab?"
To any Casanovas, (that's a man who is amorously and gallantly attentive to women) guesting from the 1st or 2nd team who want a few chat up lines to use on the barmaids at the opposition's local:-

. Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?

. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?

. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.

. Pardon me, but would ya mind if I fired me cannon through your porthole?

. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder

.They don’t call me Long John because my head is so big.

And just to show we're not sexist, feel free ladies to address a male bartender with:-

. Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!

. That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!

. I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me thighs, - and a bottle of rum!

. Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me "lice ratio"!

Talking about the Seven Seas the 5ths had their first Official Overseas player this season. No Gareth Breeze perhaps but still a breath of fresh air like many of his shots. The wind of the willows. The legendary Thommo Shanti - returning to us all the way from Ethiopia.

Though available, Thommo missed one match while his visa was being checked to make sure that he was able to buy a round. Thommo played for us on two occasions after references were taken up with the Club Captain following pressure applied from the highest hind quarters. You know I jest - Thommo performed well making 86 runs and taking two stunning catches.

On his return to Ethiopia Thommo will no doubt commit himself to Ethiopian Cricket which has been likened to 5th team cricket according to Wikipedia in that they may play with an air of carefree abandon, but there is no denying the skill. Some of the older players do not even bother with a run-up, preferring instead to roll their arms over from a stationary position. Somehow the ball still fizzes and hisses off the pitch. Which probably means they play off the same dubious surfaces that we do.

Seriously for a moment, the captain of the present Ethiopian team spent some of his youth in England. He was quoted as saying "The game forces you to stand shoulder to shoulder with people you would not normally associate with. " Our esteemed Hon Secretary, Pacey Belay put it another way in an e-mail to me in answer to my request for advice after a side we play informed us that we could only retain the fixture if we paid double the normal match fee as we could not offer a home game. "If I remember correctly they're a bunch of posh Surrey twats, who can afford it" was his advice, which of course I heeded.

As Belay went on to say below on Witter 'the point of being a wandering side is to provide a low cost opportunity to play cricket and hence more teams around to fill fixtures.' How sad to think that they are now Posh Surrey twats floating in the turds of hypocrisy.' I weweeted. Dawson's not the only Geek.

It seems as if the ICC has the equivalent of 'Posh Surrey twats' amongst its hierarchy in being apparently more interested in promoting international cricket purely on the basis of monetary prowess of individual boards rather than quality of competitions produced by players and their teams.

The 5ths are proud to be part of a club where the Spirit of Cricket permeates throughout all areas, from the Saturday morning tinies via the many colts teams, the 4 Saturday league sides ; the two Sundays and the Wednesday XI. The Spirit of Cricket that this club exemplifies has and does come from the presence and vision of our long suffering Chairman perhaps nullifying the need for any deposits from local sods. Long may it continue. (Not the suffering )

Oh by the way it has been my intention to write another book but I haven't found a ghost writer yet.

Where's Wally? A morning in the life of a wannabee.

7.57am G'day mate. good news at last. X

8.00am 300 for us. Oz 32-2.Two good catches.X

8.08am Visit to tip this morning after the Cricket. 44-2. X

8.30am 70-3 Clarke Rooted out. May even watch it on TV. X

9.02am 114-4 Root gets Marsh on 55. X

9.08am Feeling faint. Another wkt and it's Boyd Rankin who's got it. X

9.57am 200 up but we've just got Hero Haddin. Your boy took the catch. Only Maxwell's Silver Hammer to blunt, not to mention Mad Mitch and we should be there.X

10.04am Cookie takes another catch. The TMS listening Mrs almost ruins it by whooping even before Bresnan starts his run up on TV. If he gets another one you should wear his shirt to work. X

Tweet to TMS unsure of time. Counter measures in place for C Nile's wkt. X

10.29am 236-8 You can put your shirt on it now. Captain Cook selects who bowls after all.

10.41am 244-NINE. MJ gone.

10.58am 25 off 13 balls. X

11.00am 25 off 10. X

11.01am A six. X

11.02am 19 from 9. Another six. 13 off 8. X

11.03am 12 needed off the last over. X

11.05am 8 off 5 balls. X

11.06am 4 off 4. X

11.07am Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh X

What goes round comes round. A tile of two cities.

 

It was good to hear the Barmy Army's trumpeter at the Gabba this time though his tunes seemed to have had a boots and saddles effect on Mitchell Johnson. I had my binoculars with me on the Sunday of the 1st Ashes Test at Brisbane back in November 2010. The Gestapoesque Australian Gabba Ground Authorities (Gaggas) overlooked them in their searches. Probably because of the massive queues they were causing. Four year's previously they had almost prevented us from seeing Harmison's opening gambit.

I'd been looking at the cracks in the pitch along with the likes of Shane Warne. There wasn't a lot of on field activity as the Aussie Children were not playing their equivalent of Kwik Cricket. Could be that they were at sledging class. Even Duncan Fletcher was having to find his own entertainment on his lap top. Perhaps he was airbrushing out the events of the morning by pushing Strauss' hook over the boundary and moving Bell's bat a little so that he got an edge onto his pad.

The ground staff who seemed to be under pressure were pointing out the cracks to a couple of policemen who were peering. Maybe they were thinking they had come across a place where they could stash the trumpets, bugles and other instruments of mass destruction that they had removed from the fans. Michael Atherton was standing by the stumps at our end. His pockets seemed to be bulging. Despite the lack of instruments The Barmies started up the theme tune from 'The Great Escape'.

Athers put his hands in his pockets, and with trousers slightly raised he strutted off down the pitch following the lines of the cracks. You don't think so surely! I know he has form but I thought that he was filling in for the absentee little Aussie cricketers, not filling in the cracks.

The bloke on the gate who missed my binoculars didn't miss the ice bricks in my cold bag. I'd read about the Gaggas not allowing in backpacks. That morning's Lady Gagga told me that I was very fortunate as my eskie, as they call them Down Under was 'only just small enough'. Obviously the Aussie children were not so lucky. I watched our two Cs, Collingwood and Cook enter the arena. They were only just behind the eleven Aussie Cs (Colonials) who were cheered on by the twenty odd Aussie B's who shared the stadium with us Brits' or PBs as they lovingly call us.

The security people at the Adelaide Oval were more human. They still searched your bags but they didn't look on us as potential violent thugs. On the Sunday Lunchtime of the 2006 Test Match I'd been to the market up the road to buy some pressies. I'd bought a fired tile that depicted Ponting getting out at Brisbane. As I offered my bag for the search, the guy came across the tile. 'What's that, mate?' he asked. 'That's something that I will look at longingly and savour', I replied. 'That's Ponting getting out.' Take a good look', he said, 'You won't see that again'.

Unlike The Gabba who were taking things away, outside the Oval they were giving out free thongs (Flip flops in Up Above lingo) with a bottle opener attached to the sole. I packed them away carefully in case I made it a hat-trick of Gabba Tests . If the 2013 Gaggas tried to ban them I'd planned to say it was for my carpal tunnel syndrome.

Bowling Adelaide Pies and Bouncers

Just one day left to download the Kindle edition of French and Spanish Cricket for Beginners from Amazon for the price of a pie. If you are not going to do that you'd better read my admission on hurting batsmen now.


There’s only one batsman that I ever wanted to hit. Not that I would have bowled a deliberate beamer, even to him. I was about 19. The Police were looking for an arsonist who was wreaking havoc in my home town. Apparently somebody was seen to leave the scene on a ‘rusty bike’. You guessed it, just like mine. It was a ‘Blue Streak’ with drop handlebars and Disraeli gears. I used to leave the bike propped up outside the house. I never bothered to padlock it; you didn’t need to. This was Cornwall and it was forty five years ago. Besides unlike its namesake it wasn’t combustible.

My dad was the first to mention it. One of the people he knew at Mass on a Sunday was a policeman, and he’d brought it to my dad’s attention. Despite a good reference from my dad, a detective came around to interview me. They obviously thought they had a red hot suspect. Who was I to throw cold water on it? You don’t think my earlier years as an altar boy lighting all those candles would count against me do you? The lasting impression of this cop was his shoes. Big brown brogues. He probably interpreted me staring at them as eye avoidance. I cooperated but not in the way he wanted.I didn’t admit to the crimes. I felt it best not to as it wasn’t me who had committed them.

Eventually he moved on to the possibility of someone nicking the bike, doing the deed and then returning it to the exact same spot. What an honest arsonist. I think he saw the flaw in his argument. He didn’t accept my ‘I would have missed it if it wasn’t there.’ He definitely didn’t like my ‘I can’t see your brown shoes now,’ when we were eyeball to eyeball ‘but I’d know if they weren’t there. He ended up with ‘You don’t know how lucky you are that you don’t fit the description!’ He didn’t know how lucky he was when he got out first over later that year when he came out to open the batting for the Police team that was playing against our Milk Marketing Board side.

I didn’t recognise him but I did recognise those big brown shoes. There was a time I would have toed the line as well as bowled line and length only, but I’d done a bit of growing up during that ‘interview’. I’d deliberately looked at a little spot on the wicket and measured out a very long run in preparation for the next over. I wanted to launch a rocket propelled missile that would strike home to add a further brown or red streak to those shoes. The colour would depend on my choice of target. I wasn’t convinced that he hadn’t given his wicket away deliberately. More yellow than blue. I’ve heard of the good cop bad cop techniques, so I was happy to let the same delivery go to the next batsman. After all it was a Saturday. He could put some holy water on it the following day.

I've also bowled a few pies as well in my time but none of them compared to the Adelaide Floating pie(pictured). If you are over there look out for them and have a g'day.

England are in trouble

More bad news is that we are not there this time. Will the next away Ashes be in four or five year's time?

Some good news for you is that French and Spanish Cricket for Beginners will be down loadable from Amazon for halfish price for a week from Friday. If you find that you become an insomniac after staying up all night watching the cricket start reading it and you'll soon doze off.

Beach cricket on Moreton island, taking the tram to Glen Elg, those floating pies - not to mention the memories below.

Sighhhhhh.