Ably captained by Beezy who once again lead by example as our top wicket taker, but only by one wicket from Hans who as a quality fielder and a steadily improving batsman must be now a signing for higher teams. The small print in his contract however must exclude his mother from accompanying him as she is the most valuable person in our team as scorer, and who is well on the way in establishing an orchid nursery. To top her up......
The contract does apply to her other son Mittens who found his form this season which was a huge bonus for us. As Mittens works for Network Rail he will be well used to huge bonuses. Mind you he's more likely to be playing for Dawlish CC than for us with Prime Minister Cameron's idea of press ganging Network Rail employees to become railway sleepers to prop up the country's failing transport infrastructure. Mr Cameron will then fulfil his current dream of being associated with this country's three most brilliant civil engineers Isambard, Kingdom & Brunel.(Pictured; look closely)
The highest scoring batsman was Sox getting over 400 runs with Fingerless, Daffs & Tiny all with small print in their contracts, scoring over 200 runs each. In fact many of our matches this season were high scoring games, with us batting first which was rarely the case in previous seasons.
Mark and Spencer both bowled extremely well and would more than hold their own in higher teams. Don't forget the invite next weekend to go round to their place to dine in for two. Metty, Ten Bears & Sam Sung all showed ability and were a pleasure to have in the side when they played for us, as were the younger colts when they weren't in a rush to get to the Chippy in Meryl Street after the game. A special thanks to Metty who has that ability only available to a select few to get players on a Saturday morning to replace any Friday night drop outs.
The odd guest along with stalwarts like Brace Hamnel, Moro Tamsin, Ricky Peters and Brian Beloved added wickets, runs, catches and enjoyment to help make us a team of cricketers as did Captain- no less- Delirious Phillips ex- Port of London Authority.
Like your good selves, no doubt, Captain Phillips heard the rumour that our esteemed Chairman in order to help pay for the work on the square is to encourage and to charge the local community to spread the ashes of their recently departed onto the square, thus at a stroke, for example, putting both heart and soul into the club and deadening the high bounce on the new strips by adding a bit of body into the soil.
1st team captain Shearman Capote is in favour as he hopes that this will improve his bowlers' performance when bowling at the death and there is a general feeling that training will be better attended as such work should help turf out players from their usual haunts. Captain Phillips' mentor, localish Bourne boy Paul Greengrass has a protective film in mind for the early stages of the work to act as a sort of Legbeforeacy.
As Rex George a previous Hon Sec would have said 'Captain Phillips with his knowledge of bburials at CCs' has kindly offered this advice from the PLA's policy on the 'Scattering of Ashes in the Tidal Thames' which he says would ensure empathy, respect, clarity, reassurance and a bit of iron into the Constitution. And I quote:-
The Port of London Authority does not have any particular rules on the scattering of ashes into the tidal Thames but we do request that you do not scatter them from bridges. This is because the tidal Thames is a busy commercial river and there is a strong possibility of scattering your loved ones ashes onto a passing boat.
Our advice is to find a suitable and safe location of your choosing, ideally this location is not busy and we would suggest a quiet time of the day when you carry out the scattering. Please ensure that you retain the container. (Good advice that Ivo Bligh took on in 1883 for a different sort of Ashes). Another good earner as it turned out.
Talking about Ash. Not to be outdone by his teammate, our very own Dee Gears has reminded Beezy that September 19th is 'Talk like a Pirate day' and all participants should continue to act accordingly for the game against Dustings CC on the 20th.
As league fixtures are over by that time, league players topping up the 5ths should restrict themselves to the following sledges:-
As the opposition come out onto the field:-
"Well me hearties let's see what's crawled out of the bung hole"
To the tea lady:- "I wouldn't feed that bilge to a scurvy dog ye barnacled bottomed scabby sea bass "
To their umpire:- "That was plumb you weevil eating son of a harbour hog"
To their opening bat:- "Do you want the first ball amidships, your timbers shivered or your lillies livered ye yellow bellied salty swab?"
To any Casanovas, (that's a man who is amorously and gallantly attentive to women) guesting from the 1st or 2nd team who want a few chat up lines to use on the barmaids at the opposition's local:-
. Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
. Pardon me, but would ya mind if I fired me cannon through your porthole?
. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder
.They don’t call me Long John because my head is so big.
And just to show we're not sexist, feel free ladies to address a male bartender with:-
. Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!
. That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!
. I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me thighs, - and a bottle of rum!
. Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me "lice ratio"!
Talking about the Seven Seas the 5ths had their first Official Overseas player this season. No Gareth Breeze perhaps but still a breath of fresh air like many of his shots. The wind of the willows. The legendary Thommo Shanti - returning to us all the way from Ethiopia.
Though available, Thommo missed one match while his visa was being checked to make sure that he was able to buy a round. Thommo played for us on two occasions after references were taken up with the Club Captain following pressure applied from the highest hind quarters. You know I jest - Thommo performed well making 86 runs and taking two stunning catches.
On his return to Ethiopia Thommo will no doubt commit himself to Ethiopian Cricket which has been likened to 5th team cricket according to Wikipedia in that they may play with an air of carefree abandon, but there is no denying the skill. Some of the older players do not even bother with a run-up, preferring instead to roll their arms over from a stationary position. Somehow the ball still fizzes and hisses off the pitch. Which probably means they play off the same dubious surfaces that we do.
Seriously for a moment, the captain of the present Ethiopian team spent some of his youth in England. He was quoted as saying "The game forces you to stand shoulder to shoulder with people you would not normally associate with. " Our esteemed Hon Secretary, Pacey Belay put it another way in an e-mail to me in answer to my request for advice after a side we play informed us that we could only retain the fixture if we paid double the normal match fee as we could not offer a home game. "If I remember correctly they're a bunch of posh Surrey twats, who can afford it" was his advice, which of course I heeded.
As Belay went on to say below on Witter 'the point of being a wandering side is to provide a low cost opportunity to play cricket and hence more teams around to fill fixtures.' How sad to think that they are now Posh Surrey twats floating in the turds of hypocrisy.' I weweeted. Dawson's not the only Geek.
It seems as if the ICC has the equivalent of 'Posh Surrey twats' amongst its hierarchy in being apparently more interested in promoting international cricket purely on the basis of monetary prowess of individual boards rather than quality of competitions produced by players and their teams.
The 5ths are proud to be part of a club where the Spirit of Cricket permeates throughout all areas, from the Saturday morning tinies via the many colts teams, the 4 Saturday league sides ; the two Sundays and the Wednesday XI. The Spirit of Cricket that this club exemplifies has and does come from the presence and vision of our long suffering Chairman perhaps nullifying the need for any deposits from local sods. Long may it continue. (Not the suffering )
Oh by the way it has been my intention to write another book but I haven't found a ghost writer yet.
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