United We Fall to Dividers and Rulers not to mention Setsquares

See Boris. What did I tell you. You demonise people and they'll turn into demons. Mission accomplished on your part perhaps. Enough already. This is not a political blog. To prove it read this. Go down to B&Q during what remains of daylight and buy at least 150 litres of peat free organic compost for less than 5p a litre, provided you've got your Diamond Geezer over 60s card. Then turn over a new leaf by sowing some lettuce seeds in a pot on a window sill.

Be that as it may, or would have been I intend to ANNOUNCE something like what politicians do do! The Cricket Society set out to rededicate the grave of Ivo Bligh, Lord Darnley of Ashes fame, that lay deteriorating for many years in Cobham Churchyard, Kent. This they achieved in a way empathetic to Cricket, Lord Darnley's family and to Cobham. His grave was one of our resting places when I join My good lady wife and her pal occasionally for their countryside walks.

Well there is another, not cricket connected as far as I know, which lies not a million miles away. As yet I'm not prepared to name names as I'm not sure how to go about it and as The Cricket Society knows these things need careful and sensitive handling so as not to upset those that matter i.e. the family. I'm not averse to giving clues but don't expect them to be of Masquerade proportions. Back to cricket. It's 5th team nets tonight. My knee is a litte sore and I may not bowl as I don't want to 'herald a hamstrung' performance.

I met a fellow club cricketer whose team we are due to play in September in the diamond geezer queue at B&Q. He's recently had an operation on his knees, so may not be in the actual team. I hope he recovers in time to play. I gave him a blog card to spread the word. Well I've been advertising B&Q so why shouldn't I advertise French and Spanish Cricket for Beginners on Amazon.co.uk. I have my standards. I'm not naming a name of an England Cricketer who tweets that he's more of a laugher at people than with people. I simply referred him to the Confucius saying in the last post but one.

When the queue for the Olympic Tickets from the proposed booths reaches my house in Gravesend, come in for a cup of tea. Have a look at the wildlife in the garden like the grey squirrel in the photo or the fox in the last post's picture, though I can't promise you a golden hare. If you want to see sludge worms and rat-tailed maggots you will need to go to the LOWLIFE web site.

Tweety Pies Beware-There's a Fox about.

Though I have never considered myself to be a bowler of pies the increasing diameter of my fast recovering stomach shows me to be serial eater of pies. Beef and Ale and the aforeposted pastie are favourites. Olympic Boris has taken time off from demonising the transport unions to offer me some more London Prepares tickets. Synchronised Swimming, Hockey, Water Polo, Wheelchair Tennis and Paralympic Athletics go on sale on The Ides of March. Be aware!

I might be tempted to go to see the SS as the lovely lady wife is running out of that make up they use. You know the stuff with which you smile at the least funny of jokes. I am now a serial receiver of Crickety Tweets. As there must be 6 other Mike Kelleher Twits a-tweeting I am known as MikeKelleher7@. Serious ones are talking about the England Selection for Sri Lanka.

Twits like me are reproducing the Confucius saying that I was particularly proud of from the last post. Other gems can be found by downloading French and Spanish Cricket for Beginners from Amazon.co.uk. While I'm in advertising mode, our Gravesend CC Shrimpers Team are looking for away games for Sats 19th May, 28th July and Sept 1st. We supply a ball and like my tea according to my boys the team is described as weak to medium.

Humble Pastie Innocent of all Charges

Let's clear two things up, now that my 'winter sickness' has cleared up. Firstly it wasn't the pastie. You know when you phone your friends and say 'sorry I haven't been in touch since seeing you on the weekend as I 've been ill' and they say 'Funny, so have we'. No? Well we do know as that's what happened to us after our weekend at an hotel in Bath. Like the responsible person I am I have let the hotel know. No I'm not saying I'm responsible for spreading the virus. I think I was more of a picker up, though not in the lounge lizard sense.

Secondly which may be down to you is whether it is 'pastie' or 'pasty'. I think it is the former as we used to hold a former, perhaps late, Cornwall rugby player by the name of 'Pastie Harris' in high regard. It wouldn't have been 'Pasty' (rhyming with tasty) as that was the nickname of the kid in our class at school who shall we say had a very fair complexion. Beware before you pontificate, as at the time in Cornwall when most of us were Cornish we used to call turnips 'swedes' and cauliflower 'broccoli'. More Cornish pastimes including exploding seagulls and how to differentiate between emmets and grockle can be found in French and Spanish Cricket for Beginnersdownloadable from Amazon.co.uk.

As you can tell, besides the fact that I don't know how to get rid of italics, from the photographic record of our visit to the 18th Fina Visa Diving World Cup at the Aquatics Centre in the Olympic Park Boris wasn't there at the time. If he had been he may have caused a bigger splash than he did at the Velodrome. The lower photograph reflects the boredom that enveloped the Aquatic Centre after the first 50 or so dives. The Olympic hierarchy had obviously picked up on the vibes, or in this case ripples emanating from the spectators. Brits-Like they must have persuaded their Director of Operations to herd the divers together to jump from the various heights at the same time to regain the public's interest.

To regain the public's confidence, Seb and the Gang of Five Rings have had a window of opportunity for selling more tickets to the said public jemmied open for them. Will I be a candidate? I did enter the first ballot; I think I watched their website crash for the second. I can't remember at what particular stage I became despondent and gave up. Give Boris his due, London Prepares went and continues to go a little way down Restitution Road. Don't get carried away though Boris, I still don't want your Island offshore my back yard.

Finally to the significance of the top photograph. No it does not depict just one of the World'd best women divers, to be confirmed today. It is a photograph of an athlete, not yet winning but taking part, who is acknowledging the appreciation of the crowd and probably the crowd itself as fellow human beings with a humble bow. All the Asian contestants did the same. No others gave any sort of acknowedgement except for the two Brits who each gave a smile in response to the loud cheers. Coaches may say that the competetive bubble in which the athletes must saponify themselves does not allow for such a spectrum. However Confucius.com He say " Pot of Gold not at end of Rainbow for all. Only there for those who say 'After you'." Sayonara, in deference to the Japanese diver who didn't do so well but nevertheless bowed and was certainly not humbled.

It's an ill wind for goalies, goolies and ghoulies.

I've been struck down. S & D. I have to blame the Cornish Pastie that I bought in Bath to eat on the train which had a return trip back up this morning just as Harry Briggs came on to bowl. I have therefore no option but to listen to the rest of the one day game in the conservatory wondering whether to murder Colonel Mustard next door with the lead piping as the sun is about to disappear behind his Leylandii. The hundred is up for Pakistan. Bath also came up to expectations. Bresnan gets a wicket 112-2.

No. 1 The Royal Crescent, The Assembly Rooms, The Victoria Gallery, The Huntsman, The Crystal Palace, The Abbey, Twerton Park, The Circus and a trip along the River Avon were all on our tick list. I'm wondering whether to go on the sick list for tonight's Cricket Committee meeting. I need to save myself for the inaugural 5th team nets tomorrow night. Twerton Park is where Bath City play their football in the Blue Square Conference. Briggs gets his first international wicket. Pakistan 135-3.

Bath didn't have a great sporting Saturday. Their Rugby team was beaten by Gloucester while our raison d'etre Ebbsfleet was beating Bath City 2-3 with 10 men for most of the second half. Our goalie was red carded for punching their centre half in the goolies on the half way line. I'm sure it is on Utube by now if you don't believe me. There is a connection with 'ghoulies' as you may have been expecting if you are reading this as predictive text as the ladies went to see the ghost film 'The Woman in Black'.

We are not avid fans of Ebbsfleet United. Another Wicket. When Ebbsfleet has an away game in a picturesque part of the country during half term, we arrange a weekend visit. Past venues have been Torquay, Eastbourne and Weymouth. Bath does not look a cheap place. The Recession has had an effect with the Museum of Bath at Work only open on weekends and the football club's Concession Tickets not only being £2 more expensive than those at Ebbsfleet but are only available to over 65s as opposed to over 60s at Ebbsfleet. There were less than 700 in the crowd quel surprise, though Bath City will blame Bath Rugby for taking 5000 of their supporters to The Rec.

201-4 closely followed by 202-5. I'm following the old recipe for S & D of starving oneself as I need to be fit for the Aquatic Centre for the next section of the London Prepares. So it's Ducking on Wednesday, batting in the nets and Diving on Thursday. Seb will be Ducking and Diving at the moment with LOWLIFE finally admitting that only 30% of tickets for the Olympic 100m Final session are available for the public, quel surprise. Afridi only 9. Caught Bresnan bowled Finn. 215-6. The rest are going to the Corporates etc. A run out and a fall out between the two participants. 220-7 followed by 233-7. Ten balls to go. 233-8.

I know the Ebbsfleet goalie has been suspended for 3 games and I'm not sure whether he plays cricket but I'm definitely going to wear a box on Wednesday. If the Security at the diving make me strip down to my Speedos like they did in the swimming pools we have been to in France I'm wearing it on Thursday as well. Pakistan 237-9 followed by 237 all out. Cook out second ball. Au revoir. Just to update you, England won in the last over with KP amassing 130. Bye.


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Bored Man? You must be joking.

Apologies for the rushed effort but it's time for Bath. No this is not a grammatically poor Spamtaneous post. Not any more than normal, that is. Nous sommes off to Bath for a Shearings delight of a weekend and the train goes in two hours. Actually the Spam e-mails are improving. The one I got from Mervyn King this morning (see below )was surprisingly well written:-

Good Day,

I AM DELIGHTED TO INFORM YOU THAT I AM THE RECENT BANK OF ENGLAND GOVERNOR NEWLY VOTED AND APPROVED BY THE Government OF ENGLAND,LEGALLY IN CHARGE OF THE ENTIRE LOCAL BANKS AND ALL THE MICRO FINANCE INSTITUTIONS.

I didn't include the address as if somebody is daft enough to read my blog they may be the sort to reply to 'Mervyn The Unreal'. Mervyn seems to be pre-empting Scotland and Wales Rooting, Tooting and Devoluting leaving us with an English Government. Perish the thought, eh Boris.

Boris was not on his bike last night. He didn't need to be; he was at the Velodrome supporting the London Prepares Track Cycling event, as were we. I didn't see him on the train, nor on the bus that took us from just outside Stratford International to just outside the Velodrome. Security was tight, the queues were long but thanks to the superb and helpful organisation we got in sooner than Boris. The Global warming situation with the present drought conditions helped so we didn't get soaked and could absorb the atmosphere without fear of electrocution as the atmosphere inside the stadium was of Hadron Collider proportions.

The Gymnastics at the O2 didn't get close I'm afraid. No big screens, which would have helped as we were seated so high up and so far away that I began to fret that I didn't have Houston's telephone number to contact them if we developed a problem. I'm going to sign off now, not just because of the approaching train but because I have thoughts of Houston and bath in my mind and I need some time to reflect. See you Monday.

Ballots and Balls and Something Fishy

What's the connection between the MCC and The Olympic Committee? Neither wants bums like me filling their seats. It'll be deja vu in all sorts of ways. Hearing from so many others that they are in the same position, reading about the high levels of demand for tickets and watching the corporates not watch the events on the field. Thank goodness for Cook taking England to 200 in the first of the one dayers. Do you think that the Leverson Enquiry will investigate MCC to find out whether the aforementioned Merde D'Oc has encouraged them to restrict the tickets to maintain their number of satellite subscribers who feel the need to watch live cricket? Am I talking Balls? Let the Enquiry be the judge of that as it must have heard plenty by now.

Credit Agricole where Credit Lyonaisse is due. There was an offer to unsuccessful balloteers. There must have been a nudge, even if accompanied by a wink, from a fellow Olympian to offer something in lieu. Thanks for the £90, £85, £70, £60 and £40 offers, but maybe not. Cook is out. 230-6. He got 137. Well done MCC for your U-16s for a fiver. It's the cheapest rate anywhere to occupy youngsters for a whole day. I hope schools don't see an opportunity of another venue to send their disruptive pupils during Ofsted inspections, giving the school a chance to shine as I wouldn't like the MCC members verbally abused at times other than when they refuse to partake in the Mexican Waves. 241-7.

The England Innings ends at 260-7. Time to go. Our items on EBay are ending, hopefully for a reasonable sum as trying to make ends meet with all these cricketing expenses is not a TMS piece of cake

A Shrimper's Saturday

Instead of playing cricket for Gravesend CC Shrimpers, I spent this particular Saturday afternoon wallowing in the shallows of the Mediterranean, turning from prawn to salmon through factor 30. I've been out of my depth in all sorts of ways and I'm not taking any chances in the Med. I'd been listening or not listening to the French couple on the next towel if you know what I mean, Harry. (Not that Harry nor that one). They were replaced by some Americans who I couldn't avoid understanding so as not to think the unthinkable I inflated the inflatable and went out to sea in the beautiful pea green boat to look at the pussy and to see how I could get a reference in to the owl.

After an hour or so they went so I returned to the shore to join my wife who was half dozing, exhausted by an hour's hard listening with one eye on an equally annoying German Michael Schumacher look-alike playing catch with his friend at the water's edge. He hit his mate straight between the eyes with the ball. My wife remarked "He's quite a marksman. He'd make a good bowler for the 2nds." "He chucked it." I said "His arm was bent. He's full of sh**. He couldn't hit a barn door. I'd say the opposite." I ranted. "I think he's a bad marksman. One who shoots but can't hit." The connection with the owl was made and like the chucker it was a constipated one.

"Was that a little taste of a Shrimper's Saturday camaradie?" She asked. "He didn't say sorry to his mate, and he didn't say Kamerade to me, so like Michael Schumacher he must be in a higher league and will be used to the abuse."

We had a lot to carry off the beach and I expect I undid all the good that the Med had done for my bowling arm. "Would you like a hand?" It was the Schumachers. "Thank you very much." I replied. We chatted away merrily back to the cars, leaving any edges Shrimpers style strictly on the field or in this case beach of play.

As usual on a Shrimpers Saturday I was so knackered that I went to bed early. My wife told me in the morning that she had spent a marvellous evening in the company of the Spanish family next door. It had continued through the whole of the night into the early hours of the morning. "I didn't wake you." She said. " I know how you enjoy your Shrimpers Saturdays."